Party On, Garth

Episode Report Card
Demian: F | 9 USERS: B
Have A Drink On The Hardy Boys

And once Our Intrepid Heroes have exited This Week's Motel Room to embark upon their separate errands, a scene I refuse to watch transpires in which we learn that the hapless Mr. Baxter secretly fathered an illegitimate son with his secretary many years ago -- and, wouldn't you know it? That son is now the dejected-looking twentysomething janitor we last saw the hapless Mr. Baxter yelling at about eighteen hours ago! Who's also currently working the night shift in the brewery, alone! While the Japanese booze monster shoots him a wicked side-eye! Dun-dun-DUN!

The Only Japanese Restaurant In Junction City. Dashing El Deano has improbably secured an authentic samurai sword at some point during this evening's third most woefully CHOMP!-less commercial break and he's prevailed upon the helpful cook from a couple of scenes ago to perform the appropriate Shinto blessing. "It says it's best to do this in a running spring," the helpful cook frowns, examining the print-out Our Intrepid Hero's brought along. Dashing El Deano immediately produces a bottle of mineral water from his jacket pocket, so I guess they've got that aspect of the ritual covered and as Dean splashes water on the sword's blade, the helpful cook recites a short spell, after which he more or less wishes Dean good luck before vanishing once more into the bowels of The Only Japanese Restaurant In Junction City, never to be seen again.

Just then, Dashing El Deano's cell phone rings and apparently someone's rushing to the aid of Mr. Baxter's illicit love child.

Unfortunately, that someone is not Darling Sammy, as he's busy getting ripped at a local restaurant, where Dead-Eyed Marie's enjoying an evening out with friends, even though a majority of her family has been slaughtered over the last couple of days. Are we sure she's not actually responsible for tonight's Japanese booze monster? Oh, wait a minute, I got it -- Dead-Eyed Marie's really a Leviathan, right? A Leviathan who facilitated the sale of her family's brewery to Richard Roman Enterprises? That's got to be it, yeah? I mean, no normal woman would be out cocktailing with friends the very same night her sole surviving sibling got her stomach ripped out by a Japanese booze monster, right? Right?

Oh, fuck it. I hate this show.

Anyway, where the hell was I again? Oh, yeah: Darling Sammy's babysitting Leviathanically-Enhanced Marie as promised and Dashing El Deano's still cooling his heels over at The Only Japanese Restaurant In Junction City, so I guess this means I won't be watching the scene that follows, in which someone who is not Darling Sammy or Dashing El Deano attempts to snatch Mr. Baxter's illicit love child from the Japanese booze monster's sharply-honed claws, only to end up with his contemptible ass slung through a wall by the monster in question. And in a sign of how hateful this episode's become for me, I can't even take pleasure in that.

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