Party On, Garth

Episode Report Card
Demian: F | 9 USERS: B
Have A Drink On The Hardy Boys

...Manse McAnn, where the camera lingers on a photograph of Clan McAnn in happier times before panning up to follow along as Dead-Eyed Marie's sole surviving sibling -- a thirtysomething bleached blonde named "Lillian" -- fixes herself a much-needed screwdriver in the manse's tastefully-appointed kitchen. Mmmm... vodka. Lillian then rather inelegantly swigs back about half of her soothing cocktail before carrying it and an identical glass of plain orange juice over to the dining room, where her daughter, "Tess," busies herself with an art project of some sort. Lillian sets the drinks down on the table to greet her just-arriving father and Tess, of course, accidentally takes a sip from the wrong glass. Because this show sucks, this tiny bit of alcohol immediately has Wee Tess slurring like a sailor on shore leave and as she lolls her head around all cross-eyed and such, she catches blurry sight of... that freaky chick from The Ring! And as they are now ripping off their own seven-year-old rip-off of a ten-year-old movie, I've lost all interest in this scene and I will therefore be cutting to the chase. Wee Little Drunken Tess, trailed closely by Big Daddy McAnn, follows That Freaky Chick From The Ring into Manse McAnn's tastefully-appointed kitchen, where That Freaky Chick From The Ring wastes little time gutting Lillian like a fish. Big Daddy McAnn's subsequent shouts of horror and revulsion echo into this evening's first METAL TEETH CHOMP!, and I can't fucking believe we still have forty-five minutes to go. They're going to kill me before this season is over with, I swear to God.

Back from the break, we head over to This Week's Motel Room to find Our Intrepid Heroes and their most unwelcome guest researching "things with claws that go bump in the night." They interrupt their research to indulge themselves in a lengthy conversation regarding the heinous DJ Qualls's questionable motel selection -- the place prominently advertises "afternoon delights" on its in-room flyers -- after which Dashing El Deano places Dead Bobby's flask next to the dreadful DJ Qualls's trusty little EMF reader, the latter of which of course immediately goes, "VWEEEE-YORP!" For whatever stupid reason, everyone involved chooses to ignore this in favor of... oh, my Christ, this is just awful. Dashing El Deano presents the obscene DJ Qualls with a beer, which the horrendous "special" guest proceeds to down in one gulp and yes, the monstrous little cretin immediately becomes pie-eyed -- immediately -- after only one beer. ONE FUCKING BEER. I WANT TO DIE.

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