Supernatural
Pilot

Episode Report Card
Demian: A | 17 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Get Your Kicks On Route 666

Dean races through the gaping hole left by his car, calling out his brother's name. While Dean tries to extract Sam from the Impala's mangled front seat, Constance picks her barefoot way across the wreckage to retrieve the earlier, barely glimpsed studio portrait from where it fell to the floor. I must say, the double-blend polyester knits she and her slain children sport in the thing are just perfect. If they'd left her suicide in 1971, instead of moving it up a decade to allow for that useless "I was only three!" line from the initial interrogation scene. As Constance examines the portrait with a mix of grief, anger, and resentment on her face, Dean manages at last to yank Sam from the car. The boys barely have time to pull themselves together before Constance dismissively hurls the portrait to the floorboards and pins them to the Impala's side with a telekinetically shoved chest of drawers. She seems intent on squeezing the life out of our intrepid heroes somehow, until the lighting fixtures around the room flicker to life. Distracted, she turns to find water cascading down the stairs from the second floor. Constance lifts her eyes to find two rug rats lurking on the landing above as some disembodied ovary wails on the soundtrack. Constance shudder-steps to the foot of the stairs as the rug rats link hands and whisper, "You've come home to us, Mommy!" Constance, visibly anguished, spins as if to flee, only to find her path blocked by the kids, who zip across the floor to latch onto her waist in a clinging hug. This of course sets Constance to screaming -- a gory, full-throated sort of a thing -- and in an irritatingly bad special effects sequence, she flickers between ghoul and normal, between regular-sized and enormous, and between ghastly white and blood red as, I don't know, the hounds of hell arrive to drag her down into the netherworld? Whatever. She's gone, is all you need to know, leaving behind nothing more than a puddle of water on the decaying carpet.

Shame, really. It was going so well until that last effects sequence.

Sam and Dean flip the dresser away from their lower bodies and creep towards the puddle to review the basic plot points for the retarded in the audience. Dean does, however, congratulate Sam on discovering Constance's weak spot. Unfortunately, Dean congratulates Sam by thumping him hard a couple of times on his gaping, bloody chest wound. I think Dean might be kind of a dick, you know? Or am I just totally misinterpreting the signals I'm picking up here? Sam retaliates by chiding Dean for "trying to shoot Casper in the face." They banter a bit more before "Highway To Hell" kicks in on the soundtrack, and the shot cuts to...

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Supernatural

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