Episode Report Card
Demian: A | 18 USERS: A+
Get Your Kicks On Route 666

Sam, left alone, gurgles and wiggles and rather adorably hoists both of his bitty legs into the air, no doubt intending to gnaw on one of his own feet, when he's distracted by the baseball-themed mobile suspended above his head, which starts up seemingly of its own accord. Sam stares at it for a moment before darting his eyes to the lower part of the frame, presumably to glance at the transportation-themed clock on the imperiled nursery's wall. Yes, "transportation-themed." It features various dump trucks and tractors and pick-ups and speedboats on the hours, and is topped off with a little biplane that ticks off the seconds. I'm assuming that this, combined with the egregious mobile and the unnecessary football reference, are all supposed to indicate that Sam is 100\% heterosexual. If you ask me, though, he's trying too hard. Yes, I realize he's six months old. Shut it. In any event, as the camera moves in on the clock from a low angle, the little second-hand biplane clicks to an unexpected stop as an unearthly and synthesized growl hits the soundtrack. The shot cuts to another menacing low-angle of Sam's stuffed animal shelf as the imperiled nursery's crescent-moon nightlight buzzes, blinks, and shorts out.

Over in Mama Blonde's boudoir, a suspiciously modern-looking baby monitor (it's a Graco!) emits both a few of Sam's aggravated squawks and a bit of harsh feedback that sounds like -- dare I say it? -- a supernatural mix of menacing laughter and mumbling. Mama Blonde groans herself awake and reaches up to switch on the bedside lamp. "John?" she sighs, wearily rolling around to address her absent husband, whose empty pillow on the far side of the bed remains in the shadows. Mama Blonde grunts a bit and pushes herself to her feet. Meanwhile, the camera pans in on a framed photo of Mama Blonde and her John just as The Plaintive Yet Spooky Piano Of This Marriage Won't Be Lasting For Much Longer tinkles on the soundtrack. Daddy! John's wearing his Marine-Corps greens in the picture, by the way. Just so you know.

Cut to the silhouette of Mama Blonde wiping the sleep from her eyes as she crosses the hall to the now most definitely imperiled nursery. "John?" she whispers at the back of the male figure looming over the crib. "Is he hungry?" "Shhhhhhhh," comes the eerie, almost hissing reply as The Plaintive Yet Spooky Piano abandons all pretense of melody and simply PING-PING-PING-PINGs until Mama Blonde grumbles, "All right," and leaves the room. The male figure looming over the crib, by the way, remains in silhouette throughout the exchange, though it seems to be wearing a terrycloth robe and what little we can see of its profile does resemble this woman's husband. The piano melody returns as Mama Blonde pivots to head back into her boudoir, but just then, the light at the far end of the hall starts buzzing and blinking on and off. Mama Blonde frowns and crosses to tap at the fixture's casing, like, what the hell is that supposed to do to the light bulb inside, you silly bint? I realize it's a television and movie cliché, hon, but you do realize you should actually be tapping the fixture itself, right? Whatever. She ignores me to continue with the useless tapping and quizzical looks and such until the light bulb stops with its buzzing. She hmmms about this for a moment before swiveling to head back to bed. Just then, she hears more noises coming from below, and the shot...

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