Episode Report Card
Demian: A | 19 USERS: A+
Get Your Kicks On Route 666

Meanwhile, The Head's made it out onto the front lawn with The Tiny Sam Log, and It pauses to glance worriedly up at the nursery window. Just then, an entirely unsinged Daddy! John snatches both of his children up in his arms and catapults himself across the lawn as the nursery windows explode outwards above their heads.

Aftermath. Lawrence City firefighters have arrived to spray water on the still-burning house, and EMTs unlatch the back of their ambulance to retrieve a stretcher for what's left of Burnt Mary as a cop pushes rubberneckers to the opposite side of the street. Meanwhile, John perches bleakly with his sons on the hood of a black 1967 Chevy Impala as the strings once again go nuts, and the camera races in on his face before we slam into what should be the opening credits.

Here's as good a point as any to address what became a point of contention of the boards, I suppose: Several people have claimed that the real John was immolated in the nursery explosion, and that the John who snatched up the kids on the lawn is the apparent doppelganger who actually killed their mother after looming over Sam's crib. I'm not buying that, mainly because it makes little sense in light of the backstory we get from the kids-as-adults later on in the episode, but also because this is the WB, and I'm therefore inclined to believe that the explosion bursting outwards to engulf the father up in the nursery is simply yet another fuck-up in an eleven-year series of similar fuck-ups on this network. Yes, I know. Were my expectations any lower, they'd be burrowing into the Earth's outer core right about now. Deal with it.

The words "Stanford University" emerge from the blackness of the screen as some twanging alt-crap rock kicks in on the soundtrack. When I caught this via the screener, the music underscoring this transition was actually Green Day's "Boulevard of Broken Dreams," which, while horribly overplayed on the radio for the last year, fits in better with everything that's going on in this episode than the anonymous garbage that's playing now. In any event, as the twanging continues to annoy, the title amends itself with "Present Day" before disappearing altogether so we can fade up on a pair of cherry-red vinyl hooker pumps clomping into a Salvation-Army-furnished bedroom from the bicycle-bestrewn hallway beyond. "Sam! Get a move on, wouldya?" the voice attached to the hooker pumps calls out, as the camera begins a slow pan up Hooker Pumps's white-knee-socked legs to take in her Clara-Barton-As-Pole-Dancer mini-skirted Red Cross uniform before landing on Hooker Pumps's overly made-up face and straggly mane of possibly bleached blonde hair. "We were supposed to be there, like, fifteen minutes ago," Hooker Pumps continues while bobby-pinning her nurse's cap to her head. The camera glances briefly off her face to pan in on that bedside photo of Daddy! John and Burnt Mary from the opening sequence -- currently resting atop a second-hand dresser -- as the now off-screen Hooker Pumps blares, "Sam! You comin', or what?" Just as his name pops up in the credits at the bottom of the screen, Jared Padalecki pokes his head around the corner to smile, "Do I have to?" Okay, I never watched The Gilmore Girls, so let's get this out of the way now: Yum. Even with that assy, touseled mop of hair on his head. Also, because I never caught the Girls, there will be none of that confusing CuteDean stuff in this recap; he was introduced to me as "Sam," and so "Sam" he shall be. Also also: Yowza. Ahem. Anyway. Back to the recap. "Yes!" Hooker Pumps insists with a broad grin on her face. "It'll be fun!" I'll be the judge of that, missy. In about fifteen seconds, in fact. Sam lankily ambles into the room, rolling his eyes as Hooker Pumps teases, "And where is your costume?" Sam shakes his shaggy head around and good-naturedly chides, "You know how I feel about Halloween." Well, no, Sam. No, we don't know how you feel about Halloween. But given the ham-fisted bout of exposition we'll be enduring in about two or three scenes, I think I can give you a pass on this one.

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