Episode Report Card
Demian: A | 18 USERS: A+
Get Your Kicks On Route 666

Anywho, Dean retrieves a sheaf of Internet print-outs and exposits, "Dad was checking out this two-lane blacktop just outside Jericho, California." About a month ago, the local authorities found a gentleman's car on the road, but the driver had completely vanished. Sam glances briefly at the article his brother passes to him, an item from the Jericho Herald entitled "Centennial Highway Disappearance," and casually suggests the gentleman was simply kidnapped. Sam, honey, do you not know the name of your own goddamned show? If he were simply kidnapped, this would be called Natural. Get with the program. Dean, well aware of what this show purports to deal with, quickly flips through a bundle of similar Herald stories, one from April, another from December 2004, and others from 2003, 1998, and so on until he reveals that there have been ten such disappearances over the last twenty years -- "All men, all same five-mile stretch of road." As the pace of disappearances had ticked up sharply in the last year, Dear Old Dad decided to check it out, and subsequently remained incommunicado for three full weeks. Finally, Dean received a horribly garbled voice mail, from which I can only decipher the closing warning: "Be careful, Dean. We're all in danger." Sam squints and asks, "You know there's EBP on there?" I do now, thanks. Unfortunately, you never really explain what this "EBP" thing is, so you can go to hell. Dean's of no help, either, as he chooses to blather that he "slowed the message down and ran it through a goldwave," whatever that means. The upshot of it all is that the altered recording now contains a single voice, that of a woman who whispers, "I can neveeeeer go hoooooome." No one can, darling. Didn't you read your Tom Wolfe? Sam repeats the woman's message, and after a bit of guilt-tripping and law-school-dissing from Dean, he agrees to go. But first, Sam has to...

...hop back up into his apartment, where he slides a deadly looking mini-scythe into an overnight bag as Jessica and Her Smurfs bounce into the room to wonder what gives. Sam lies and lies and lies some more before assuring her that he'll be back in time for his interview on Monday, and with that, Sam races from the room. "At least tell me where you're going!" Jessica and Her Smurfs call out after him.

We'll let the title card answer that one for you, hon. "Jericho, California" pops up a the bottom of the screen while the headlights of what appears to be a convertible Volkswagen Golf head straight for the camera before we duck inside the car, where we find some dimwitted Norbert of a geek begging off an evening of scandalously sinful premarital sexual activity, which was to have been hosted by his girlfriend, Amy. At that moment, Norbert spots some white-clad chick wandering through the underbrush alongside the road, and hangs up on the girlfriend to investigate. Dude must have shitty night vision, because this chick's blinking in and out like the monster from The Ring, and everybody knows you don't pull over to the side of the road in the middle of the night on Halloween to offer rides to monsters from the movies. Actually, now that I think about it, his night vision's probably fine. He's just a dumbass. As he approaches, the dumbass's car stereo wonks out, due to what I'm guessing is that mysterious EBP stuff, but even that fails to deter him from his asinine quest. He eases the Volkswagen to the side of the road and calls out, "Car trouble?" Ring Lady, who's sporting a slightly shredded white cotton camisole over a flowy white peasant skirt, lets her long dark locks flutter in the breeze for a moment before whimpering, "Take me home?" "Sure!" the soon-to-be-dead idiot smooves. "Get in!" he offers, pushing open the passenger-side door. Ring Lady -- who's barefoot on top of everything else, like, duuuuuh, Norbert -- swivels her hips, saunters saucily over to the Golf, and slithers into the passenger seat. In an inexplicably nice touch, we see only the silhouette of Norbert's head through the rear window -- nice because it's creepy, inexplicable because it doesn't make any fucking sense. From this new and inexplicable perspective of ours, the passenger-side door shuts seemingly of its own accord, but Norbert of course is under the impression that Ring Lady pulled it closed. "So where do you live?" he asks of her heaving bosom. Her heaving bosom remains silent, choosing instead to...not inflate and collapse, exactly. More like inflate and inflate some more. Fortunately for the plot's sake, Ring Lady decides to answer for her heaving bosom and breathes, "At the end of Breckinridge Road." And because I'm sick of typing the italics tags, she is now "Myra." And if that's the case: Hoo-boy but Norbert's in for a big surprise when he finally gets his hand up that peasant skirt, isn't he?

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