Episode Report Card
Demian: D | 2 USERS: C
Aunt Gertrude Gropes The Hardy Boys

Meanwhile, down on the dance floor, Aunt Gertrude grabs Darling Sammy's ass. I can't say I blame her at all, so let's join Crafty El Deano back upstairs, where he's expertly overriding the waxy Hand's alarm system. Unfortunately, we see absolutely nothing of what he's actually doing, because we have to rush over to Posh Bela and her acne as the guard now threatens to barge into the office she's currently occupying. Posh Bela hastily smears her lipstick, cracks open the door a tad, and pretends she and Dean are getting frisky inside, so the guard -- get this -- just walks away, leaving them alone to fornicate all over office furniture that is not theirs. "KILL HIM!" shrieks Raoul, driven homicidally vociferous by such sickening dereliction of duty. "Or something like that! Hee!" And after we've endured one last so-called comedic moment between Dean and the guard, Dean reenters the private office with The Hand Of Glory, which he proceeds to wrap in his pocket square and slip inside his jacket, because he rightfully doesn't trust Posh Bela any further than he can throw that zit on her forehead. Ease up on the base, honey. "You're strangling your pores!" Raoul agrees.

Downstairs, after a bit more drunken groping of Sam's remarkably healthy ass, we finally get to Aunt Gertrude's reason for joining this evening's festivities, which is to provide Darling Sammy with a few choice bits of the town's gossip. The Brothers Warren? Murdered their father six years ago to inherit his $112-million fortune. And Slippery Sheila? Rolled her car way back in high school, killing the passenger -- her cousin, Brian -- in the process. Sam gapes. DUN!

Posh Bela and Dean arrive from the second floor at this shocking juncture, and Bela quickly commandeers control of Good Ol' Gertie, steering the considerably inebriated lady towards the door while promising to meet up with the guys later at the cemetery. Dean and Sam, for their part, head out to the Impala, where Dean discovers to his horror that cunning Bela at some point and off-screen somehow managed to switch The Hand -- which he had in his inside jacket pocket -- with a tiny little ship in a bottle. WHATEVER, ZIT GIRL.

And even more contrived than that? This: During that brief little scene between the boys, Posh Bela's not only managed to escort Aunt Gertrude home and then change her own clothes, she's also had time to return to the docks and sell The Hand to a never-seen buyer for a hefty bag of cash, and SHUT UP, SUPERNATURAL! When did show get so fucking stupid? "Oooh! Oooh! I know this one!" ...yes? "September 13th, 2005!" Oh, that's just cruel. "You asked! Twice, even!" I know, I know. Sigh. So, anyway, Posh Bela barely has time to gloat to herself over her cunning wiles and great big bag of freshly earned cash when thunder grumbles ominously overhead. She warily lifts her eyes from a stack of crisp hundreds to find...The Espirito Santo, flickering in and out on the bay! DUN! Not! "KILL HER!" bays Raoul. "KILL HER DEAD!" Raoul's howls for justice, alas, get gobbled up by the METAL TEETH CHOMP! "DAMMIT!"

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