Episode Report Card
Demian: D | 2 USERS: C
Aunt Gertrude Gropes The Hardy Boys

Metallicar angrily chews up a length of photogenically damp nighttime blacktop for a bit before we leap into the front seat with the camera to discover Our Intrepid Heroes once more screaming at each other, this time over Darling Sammy's most awesome execution of The Crossroads Demonette. Turns out said execution, while undeniably awesome, was perhaps not the brightest moment of Darling Sammy's demon-killing career because, as Dean loudly points out, The Crossroads Demonette was the only entity who knew which demonic overlord actually holds the title to Dean's contract, so now they're screwed, again, some more. Got all that? Good. Next!

The LYING LIARS WHO LIE, once again posing as sheriff's department detectives, invade the tastefully appointed parlor of the soapy brunette's grieving aunt and berate her with questions regarding her shapely yet toned niece's untimely demise. The aunt, by the way, is being played by the inestimable Ellen Geer, an actress perhaps best known to us pathetic Charmed aficionados as Old Piper from that series' long overdue final episode. Stupid Charmed ruins everything. So, where was I? Oh, yes: Darling Sammy attempts to begin the interrogation by addressing the soapy brunette's aunt as "Mrs. Case," but the extremely well put together old broad, having already caught more than an eyeful of Darling Sammy's remarkably healthy physique struggling to burst from that cheap suit of his, hastily interrupts to purr a correction. "Please!" she insists with a leading little twinkle in her voice, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. "Ms. Case." Saint Sammy Of The Most Painfully Celibate is visibly thrown by the silver-maned woman's nakedly appraising gimlet eye, but soldiers on anyway to inquire, "You were the one who found your niece, correct?" Ms. Case (If You're Nasty) lowers her gaze -- no, not down to there! In sorrow! At the horrible memory! -- and acknowledges, "I came home, and she was in the shower." "Drowned?" Dean prompts, thereby explaining the lack of splattery gore that opening sequence so desperately needed. "So the coroner says," Ms. Case (If You're Nasty) scoffs, clearly believing the coroner to be an incompetent moron. "I ask you: How could someone drown in a shower?" she demands. Our Intrepid Heroes haven't an answer for that -- well, not one that they're willing to share with the uninitiated, at any rate -- so Sam dodges the question by asking if the good lady noticed anything bizarre about "Sheila's" overall demeanor in the days before her demise. Ms. Case (If You're Nasty) gets a supremely suspicious look on her face and, darting her eyes back and forth between the LYING LIARS WHO LIE, squints, "Wait a minute! You're working with Alex, aren't you?" Dean immediately bluffs that yes, they are indeed working with Alex, and it works, because Ms. Case (If You're Nasty) sings, "Well, why didn't you say so?" while dropping her guard completely and settling comfortably into a handy chair. She puzzles that Alex assured her the case was solved, so Sam's forced to LIE that no, it actually wasn't, which is why they're asking for more information. And after all that, they get it, as Ms. Case (If You're Nasty) confesses Sheila spotted "a ghost ship" shortly before she died, and wonders if that information is of any use to Our Dear Boys. Sam, flummoxed by the woman's apparent knowledge of and ease with matters supernatural, squirms and wiggles his eyebrows around until he finally manages to spit up, "It could be." Ms. Case (If You're Nasty) takes this in for a moment, then allows that leading little twinkle back into her voice as she casts yet another appraising eye up and down his remarkably healthy form and encourages, "Well, you let me know if there's anything else I can do for you." She gets downright kittenish as she reaches out to run her fingers along one of his massive mitts and adds, with appropriate emphasis, "Anything at all." "Atta girl!" shrieks Raoul. Sam freaks, because he is an idiot, because there is no doubt in my mind that Ms. Case (If You're Nasty) would freaking rock his world, even if she did end up most unfortunately dead after the effort, as have both of the luckless Ginormotron's bunkmates in the past. Poor Sam.

Shortly thereafter, Dean casts unnecessary aspersions upon the sanity of Sam's new girlfriend as the boys amble down the same harborside esplanade that played host to Slippery Sheila's last jog on earth. Meanwhile, Super-Smart Sammy's apparently had the time to conduct thoroughly exhaustive research into the town's history at some point in the last three seconds, and notes that a particular ghost ship has plagued the harbor "like clockwork" "every thirty-seven years." "A vanishing, three-masted clipper ship" appears in the bay to a select group of the town's citizens, who then promptly find themselves inexplicably drowned upon dry land. General ghost ship lore gets a mention, including a passing reference to The Flying Dutchman that has absolutely nothing to do with anything else that transpires over the course of the episode, and Dean's most unhappy to learn that pinpointing the infernal wreck responsible for all of the decidedly low-key mayhem will be next to impossible, as the ocean immediately surrounding this never-named port has swallowed over 150 vessels over the last few hundred years. "Wow!" Dean eloquently laments. "Crap!"

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