Episode Report Card
Demian: D | 2 USERS: C
Aunt Gertrude Gropes The Hardy Boys

Anyway, where the hell was I? Oh, yeah: This entirely contrived and insulting sequence. See, Posh Bela's plan was not simply to break in to the maritime museum under cover of darkness and swipe The Hand Of Glory from its display case, because that would be too easy. No, she'd rather pimp Darling Sammy out to Randy Aunt Gertrude for the night in order to finagle a couple of invitations to the heavily attended and guarded benefit, then feign illness so she and Dean might somehow gain guard-escorted access to the museum's second floor, where they will then somehow elude the guard who escorted them upstairs in the first place to swipe The Hand Of Glory from its display case, thereby unnecessarily risking immediate and otherwise entirely avoidable arrest for Our Intrepid Heroes and stupid Posh Bela, who will all proceed to spend the next seventy-five years of their justifiably miserable and worthless lives in jail. This show. This stupid stupid fucking awful evil show.

And that's what happens. Next!

"Ahem!" [Silence.] "A-him!" [Continuing silence.] "Demian, darling!" WHAT? "There's no call to get snippy, I'm sure! But I do believe you must offer greater detail than that!" You can ROT IN HELL, Raoul, you know that? ROT. IN. HELL. "Feeling better?!" Not in the goddamned LEAST, you tubby little birdbrain! SHUT UP RAOUL. SHUT UP AND DIE. "Feeling better now?!" A little. Maybe. "Then hop to it, you silly little man! We have cocktails waiting!" Oh, Christ on a goddamned stick.

So, Darling Sammy excuses himself from Aunt Gertrude for a moment and lumbers over to the bar to fret and fume and tear Dean and Posh Bela a couple of new ones, because they've needlessly turned him into a manwhore for the evening. Dean tosses off a few smarmy remarks for which Sam has every right to pop him in his smug little face, but Sam restrains himself, hopefully because he's saving all of this season's slights up in order to unleash a mighty and devastating act of vengeance upon the stumpy little bow-legged midget at some future date. Dean and Posh Bela smirk at Sam's discomfort and bolt, Randy Aunt Gertrude sidles up to The Ginormotron's side to ply him with liquor, Sam bitchfaces his way through a flute of champagne for her benefit, and then we're out in the foyer again, where Posh Bela feigns an attack of the vapors, and this season's bright lighting is doing Lauren Cohan's complexion absolutely no favors at all. "She could use some Kiehl's!" Soon enough, a guard has escorted them upstairs, where Dean lays Posh Bela out on a private office's sofa so she might nap off a little of the excess champagne she's supposedly ingested, and after dispatching the guard and juggling some unfunny quips with the crater-faced dame on the couch, Dean's off to liberate The Hand Of Glory from its display.

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