Episode Report Card
Drunken Bee: C | 1 USERS: B-
The Hardy Boys and the Mystery of Genetics
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!
"The Road So Far." Carry on my waaayward son. There'll be peace when you are done." Happy Winchesters, Mama in a white nightgown, baby Sam in the crib, Mama FLAMING ON THE CEILING. "Lay your weary head to reeest." Winchester boys flee the exploding house, look back on their ruined lives. "Don't you cry no more. Pum pum pum pum pow." Dad's missing, Dean asks Sam for help. Tough guy jazz hands, water rescue, Sam whacks the head off a little girl ghost, Sam has to find Dad, shot of Jess's grave, Sam finds Short-Lip Meg in a bar, Short-Lip freaks around and slashes throats, Jess Dean tears up, "Dad?" I was soaring ever higher! The boys approach a church, DaddyVO about the Colt Gun Guaranteed to Kill Anything. "But I flew too high!" Daddy shoots the gun into vampire Luther's forehead, and we move into hardcore montage. "Though my eyes could see, I still was a blind man, though my mind could think I still was a madman." Running, the Metallicar, shooting rock salt at ghosts, running some more! "I hear the voices when I'm dreaming", Sammy clutches his vision-filled head, close-up of his frightened eyeball, Jess on the ceiling yet again. I can hear them say!" Sammy explains his visions, sees Jess standing in a white nightgown on a street corner. "Carry on my wayward son, there'll be peace when you are done." Dean looks cool ducking and shooting shit up, the boys in a variety of dark settings, their awe-struck faces illuminated by a swath of light. Daddy says they are all he's got and they're going "after this thing" as a family. "Don't you cry no moooorre. Pum pum pum pum." Cut to black.

Sweet lord, do I love a montage.

In Blue Earth, Minnesota (home of the world's largest statue of the Jolly Green Giant, which begs the question whether there are other, smaller statues of the Jolly Green Giant), a priest stands at the altar reading the bible or some other old book. This is clearly Pastor Jim, but the church is really ornate inside like a Catholic church. I guess, if we are buying "pastor," that this is supposed to be an Episcopal church, which is just J.V. Catholic anyway. Or, possibly, those Hollywood heathens have just never set foot in a church, Catholic or Protestant, and so can't design an accurate church set to save their...oh, cram it, Me. Meg walks in. Yikes. I mean, sure, because of the evil, but mainly "yikes" because of whatever the hell kind of hairstyle she's rocking. She looks like freaking Carol Channing. She looks concerned and asks to talk. Sitting down in a pew, she confesses that she's done bad things. Pastor Jim says there is "always forgiveness for us if we seek it." Short Lip demurs, "For everyone?" and Pastor Jim is psyched to get his ministerial tagline in here: "I like to say, 'Salvation was created for sinners.'" I was hoping his tagline would be a little more original. Maybe like, "I like to say, 'Shake your booty for Christ, Short Lip!'" Short Lip sighs and confesses to lying, stealing, lusting, and..."the other day, I met this man. A nice guy, you know? And we had a really good chat. Sort of like this." Pause. Pastor Jim looks on beatifically. "And I slit his throat and ripped his heart out through his chest." Pastor Jim furrows, and Short Lip slowly blinks her eyes to reveal...creepy pitch-black eyes. I don't care how "done" those contact lenses are, they creep me out every single time.

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