Episode Report Card
Drunken Bee: C | 1 USERS: B-
The Hardy Boys and the Mystery of Genetics

Commercials. God. We're back in the Warehouse of Boring. Short Lip tells John that he's dead and she's cranky and that they're going to "strip the skin from your bones." Dude looks a bit thick there, Short Lip; better settle in for a long night. John backs away from them and then uses his STEALTH HUNTING TECHNIQUE of waiting for a clang to happen elsewhere in the warehouse so that Short Lip will turn her head and he can slowly pivot on his feet and slowly lumber through a door and then slowly lock the lock on the door. He manages to fit through a trap door in the floor and then goes walking through the basement passageway. Short Lip and BotoxoCop walk through the door he just locked. They then walk down into the basement after him, and John walk-skips over to a water nozzle. He then places his hand on the nozzle and turns it. Which makes water come out. CAN YOU FEEL THE HEAT SIZZLING OFF THE SCREEN? You think I am exaggerating the excruciating slowness of this "chase," but I am not. Remember that wonderfully daft scene in Footloose where a high-stakes game of Tractor Chicken is happening, and "Holding Out for a Hero" plays in the background, and the kids onscreen are whooping and hollering, but nothing can blind the viewer to the fact that they are racing TRACTORS at a speed of, oh, about five miles per hour? Sigh. I love that scene. I guess there are reasons to live, after all.So the water comes out of the nozzle; BotoxoCop pauses for no good reason, but then steps into the water and his feet start to burn. John stands there looking at them. Great escape plan. Short Lip tooths the single worst pair of lines ever delivered, "Holy water, John. Reeeeal cute," making sure to drag out the "j" and add a "w" to the "ohn" part of his name and then hit the "t" in "cute" real hard. I feel my powers of description are not up to the horror of how she says these lines. ["Amen. (As it were.) A Pop-Up Video bubble telling us it was holy water would have been a power of ten less awkward." -- Sars]

Metallicar. Dean tries to call their dad, but he doesn't pick up. The car radio starts crackling, as they do when evil is afoot. Sam notices and turns it up. A wind storm kicks up, the lights in and outside of Monica's house start flickering, and the boys looks on rather gape-mouthed until Sam gulps and says, "It's coming."

Guh. Outside the Warehouse of DIE JOHN DIE, John lumbers out to the AssTruck, only to find its tires slashed. To be expected. When you park your VEHICLE five feet from a DEMON'S LAIR. So he goes lumbering back through the warehouse.

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