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Drunken Bee: B | Grade It Now!
The Hardy Boys Go Off to See the Wizard
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

A black screen with "Burkitsville, Indiana One Year Ago" written in American Typewriter fades into a quaint Main Street scene at night. A young couple exits a store, followed by a mom and girl urging them to take an apple pie with them. The young woman accepts the pie and giggles that they "should get lost more often. Everyone in town is so nice!" Her partner foreshadows, "Yeah, what's the catch?" Out on the street, the Pop to the apple-pie Mom finishes gassing up the car and accepts the Lost Boy's handshake of thanks. The townie girl remarks on the tattoo covering his forearm, and Mom and Pop give him directions back to the "interstate."

On a dark, foggy country road, a fancy Mustang sputters to a halt, its headlights blinking. Inside the car, Lost Girl is exasperated and unhelpful, and Lost Boy finds that his cell phone has died, too. They get out and notice a light shining beyond rows of neatly planted Mock Apple Trees. Lost Boy is all Canadian ("Looooks like a hoooouse over there") and ready to take his fool block head straight into the foggy forest, but Lost Girl is apprehensive. They walk through the "orchard," dead leaves underfoot, right past a few bushels of apples propped against a tree. Please note that everything here points to "Fall." Also I'd like to take a moment to just say, kudos, location scouts. Since the Vancouver area certainly does not have any apple orchards, you did the best you could with this strange collection of manicured bushes. As they walk, they come upon what looks to be a man in an overcoat and hat, impaled through the butt on a two-by-four, suspended about five feet off the ground. Let's check it ooot! They move closer to investigate, and it only gets uglier. It has weird scraggly black hair issuing from underneath its hat, and then underneath that hair a leather-like (probably pleather, really) hockey mask on. It's a little paunchy, and altogether rather Buckethead covered in slimy mold and mildew. You're probably all "ew!" but that just shows you don't understand couture. Lost Boy thinks it's cool: "Check it ooot. 'If I only had a brain.'"

(You guys, Buckethead! That's the kind of thing that makes me so psyched to be alive. That some dude makes his living dressing up like that and wailing on a guitar. Oh, and also, as Wikipedia tells us, "On stage, Buckethead enjoys not only entertaining by means of his guitar work, but also with displays of his nunchaku kata and pop-and-lock break-dancing skills.")They remark on its crazy-lookingness, and Lost Girl flutters her hands around to indicate her feminine distress. As they walk away, she keeps her eyes on Buckethead and notices it move slightly. She nearly jumps out of her skin, which if she had actually jumped out of her skin would have taken all the fun out of it for our Malevolent Scarecrow. A truly creepy shot of Buckethead hung up there on its post. Cut to Lost Boy and Girl scooting through the "orchard," suddenly pursued by something that growls and makes branches crackle. They take off running. The camera is right behind them until suddenly Lost Girl is running alone. She stops and turns around in circles while breathing heavily and calling Lost Boy's name. More crackling branches, more gasping, and she takes off running again until she trips over something that just happens to be Lost Boy's skinless face and corpse. The camera swings around to a long shot, and we see her look up from Lost Boy's body and start screaming and trying to crabwalk backwards. A pair of big hulking shoulders comes between us and her, and then cut to a shot of the scarecrow's perch at the end of a row of trees, currently vacated by its usual resident. Metal Teeth Chomp.

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