Episode Report Card
Drunken Bee: B | Grade It Now!
The Hardy Boys Go Off to See the Wizard

The Fearsome Four -- Mom and Pop, Sheriff Chad, and Scotty -- tie Dean and Emily to a couple of birch, oops, I mean "apple" trees. Mom is being a real bitch, telling Emily that "there's just nobody else but you" and then telling her that's "what sacrifice means. Giving up something you love for the greater good." Uh, mah gah. As The Fossilized Four leave, Dean calls after them, "Hope your apple pie is freaking WORTH IT!" When Emily asks what the plan is, Dean tells her he's "working on it."

Fade back in to Dean and Emily, still tied up. It's night now, and Emily realizes, "You don't have a plan, do you?" Dean replies, "I'm working on it." Dean tells her to look and see if the scarecrow is moving yet. She cranes her neck, and we begin to hear footsteps. She exclaims, "Oh my god! Oh my god!" and the strings start ratcheting up, but surprise! It's just Sammy. I'm wondering: how did Sam find this "apple" orchard? He unties Dean and Emily, and when Dean asks how he got there, Sam says, "Oh, I, ah, stole a car," much to Dean's delight. Not to Dean's delight is when Sam says he doesn't see any scarecrow to keep an eye on. And the incredibly punctilious ending to this episode is underway!

Commercials. The three run through the orchard looking for the blah blah blah sacred tree, but run into the Fabulously Bothersome Foursome, who hold them all up via gun and flashlight. They hear the scarecrow, and as Pop lectures Emily about how she has to let him take her, he gets run right through the chest with a hook hand. Screaming, sadness, Mom gets taken off too, and everyone disappears. A still from this scene now appears next to "anticlimax" in my personal dictionary. The episode continues to limp along: in the morning, Emily, Dean, and Sam find "My First Tree of Sacrificial Human Flesh," dump a ton of gasoline on it, and light it on fire. Boring. Then the boys take Emily to get on a bus to Boston and discuss the imminent demise of the town. Talk about a welfare state! Take away their fat cat Scarecrow God and these people are nothing but lazy, apple-pie-gorging good-for-nothings. When Dean asks if Sam wants to be "dropped off anywhere," Sam tells him that he's done with his little hissyfit. He says he realizes that "Jess and Mom, they're both gone. Dad is god knows where. You and me, we're all that's left. So, if we're gonna see this through, we're gonna do it together." Dean whips out his cheese knife and cuts a big slice of cheddar off that speech, snarking at his brother, "Hold me, Sam. That was beautiful."Cut to a van driving down a road at night, while "Bad Company" (by Bad Company) plays. Inside the van, we see Meg saying to a greasy nasty man, "How 'bout you pull over?" He does as she requests, certain in his belief that the airbrushed vignette painted on the side of his van (too dark to see, but hopefully featuring a mystical silver wolf) has convinced her that he'll give her some good lovin'. Don't tell my husband, but I think I might be EXACTLY the mark for a man who drives a conversion van emblazoned with a magical, wintry scene on the side. So, they pull over, she reaches in her bag as if for a cell phone, but instead pulls out a silver chalice, reaches into that and grabs a silver shiv, slits his throat, and then catches the blood in her Cup O' Evil. She dips her finger in the blood, says some nonsense spell, and when little thistles of demonic energy appear in the blood, she starts talking to it: "It makes no sense. I could have stopped Sam. Hell, I could have taken them both. Why let them go." The Thistles of Bad Company apparently respond to her, though they do so on mute, and she whispers: "Yes." Pause. "Yes." Pause. "Yes, Father." And I'm sorry if this wasn't the reaction they were going for but: Haaaaaa hahaha hahahaha! Do you think it asked her to pick up some milk on the way home or what?

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