Episode Report Card
Drunken Bee: B | Grade It Now!
The Hardy Boys Go Off to See the Wizard

For once the rainy Pacific Northwest provides some appropriately-timed pathetic fallacy. The Metallicar chugs into this Disneyland-looking version of a small town square accessed via an honest-to-god paved driveway. What, you don't drive up to your town on a driveway? Everything is miniature and precious and Victorian and picketed and white-trimmed and just begging to be kicked in with a Dean-sized boot. As the Metallicar idles, Dean takes his cell phone out and scrolls down -- Bren, Carmelita, Christian, Curtis, Dad, Donny, Robin, Sam -- pauses on "Sam" but then shakes his head and puts the phone away. He approaches a man leaning a chair against the outside of "Scotty's Cafe." Dean tries to make small talk with "Scotty" but goes wrong from the first: "Hi, my name's John Bonham." The codger isn't fooled: "Isn't that the drummer from Led Zeppelin?" He didn't add "who choked on his own vomit?" Dean is taken aback: "Wow. Good. Classic rock fan." Dean hands him a flyer with info about the missing couple, and gets no response. Dean tells him that he's already checked out "Scottsburg and Salem." And, hold on!

…Okay, I'm back. I just had to go run around the block, because it seems they've figured out how to glance at a map in the writer's room! Though Burkitsville, IN seems to be a fictional place (quite the fine choice, seeing as how sometimes stories are even better when they are made up!), both Scottsburg and Salem ARE real towns in Indiana. What's more, they are relatively close to one another, and so completely plausible as two towns Dean might have actually checked out! The codger continues to stonewall Dean, and in frustration he blurts out, "Scotty, you gotta smile that lights up a room. Anybody ever tell you that?" These country folk sure are reticent (and given to lacy curtains).

Cut to a misty roadside. Sam strolls backwards toward the camera. When he swings around, the camera swings around behind him, and a short-haired girl has come out of nowhere and is sitting on the side of the road listening to music on headphones. Sam tries to get her attention, but she is listening to some really bad music really loudly. She jumps up in surprise when Sam finally taps her on the shoulder. She seemed somewhat cute, but only before her mouth started moving, because once she starts talking you notice that she has an incredibly short upper lip, one that makes it impossible to look at her and not think about that little piece of skin that connects your lip to your gums and nobody wants to think about that, ever, right? They make hitchhiking chit-chat, and the more she talks the more awful it gets. She has completely wooden delivery, so much so that I'm wondering if maybe I simply fell asleep for a few years, woke up to find that Padelecki's career did not turn out exactly as he had planned, and am now watching a porno. I mean, her real name is Nicki Aycox, which has a certain, well, Just Add Lube quality to it. A van pulls up and offers her a ride, but not Sam. She gets in, and Sam asks her, "You trust shady van guy and not me?" She tooths, "Definitely," and they drive off.

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