Slash Fiction

Episode Report Card
Demian: A- | 8 USERS: A+
The Hardy Boys Sound Like Sensible Fucking Men

Meanwhile, over at the Polk County Sheriff's Department, the sheriff and his coroner daughter chit-chat about the odd situation they've found themselves in until Special Agent Valenti pops up from out of nowhere to bare his crappily CGI'd fangs and devour them whole. "GOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" Off camera. "Rats!" And as poor Raoul suffers yet another disappointment in a season already full of them, we descend into this evening's final METAL TEETH CHOMP!

Polk County Sheriff's Department. Aftermath. Special Agent Leviathan unzips a body bag to examine the headless and charred remains of his compatriots, then dejectedly dials a certain someone on his cell. That certain someone is not, surprisingly enough, Leviathan Edgar, but rather Leviathan Edgar's apparent boss, a creature who's taken the form of a slick, glib, buzzword-spouting corporate-type currently going by the name of "Richard Roman." Needless to say, Mr. Roman's none too pleased to learn of the mission's failure, but he seems more than willing to forgive Special Agent Leviathan's apparent incompetence. For now. Also, I should probably note that we still don't know why the Leviathans are wasting their time with Our Authentic Idiots when there's a whole wide world out there practically begging them to conquer it, but it's probably for the best if we ignore that nagging little narrative omission for the moment because this episode still has one final surprise to spring on us all, and that surprise would be...

...Crowley. Yep, Hell's long-lost leader materializes in the back seat of Mr. Roman's ostentatious stretch limousine with a smile on his face and a basket of uvula-laden muffins on his lap to talk business, and to say that things don't go quite the way Crowley had hoped might be a bit of an understatement. Crowley of course proposes an alliance between his forces of Hell and Mr. Roman's vast fellowship of Leviathans, and Mr. Roman responds to Crowley's offer like so: "I'd sooner swim through hot garbage than shake hands with a bottom-feeding mutation like you. You demons are ugly, lazy, gold-digging whores -- you're less than humans, and they're not good for much 'til you dip them in garlic sauce. I'd never work with you, Crowley. In fact, if I weren't so busy with better things, I might actively wipe your kind from the face of the universe, and you'd deserve it. Are we clear?" Crystal, given the way Crowley immediately vanishes from the back of that limo the instant Mr. Roman's finished his preternaturally calm yet undeniably intimidating delivery of that little tirade. So, Crowley will be back to working with Our Authentic Idiots by the time next week's SNOT ROCKET! hits our television screens? Good to know.

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