Slash Fiction

Episode Report Card
Demian: A- | 8 USERS: A+
The Hardy Boys Sound Like Sensible Fucking Men

Some time later, the Impala swings into a rain-streaked nighttime gas station, and as Dean fills Metallicar's tank out by the pumps, Sam ducks inside the attached convenience store to stock up on supplies. Unfortunately, the clerk almost immediately recognizes Darling Sammy from the wall-to-wall coverage the American media's apparently chosen to devote to the wacky pre-credits hijinks over at The First Bank Of Jericho, so Our Intrepid Idiots have little choice but to flee.

The next morning, two actual, honest-to-God FBI agents peel up to the cordoned-off "Manitoc Savings & Loan" and hop out of their car to quiz one of the local sheriff's deputies on Fake Sam 'N' Dean's latest crime. Or maybe it's crimes, actually, because in addition to the apparent massacre at the Manitoc Savings & Loan, Our Inauthentic Heroes also took out a convenience store somewhere, according to the deputy. Special Agent Valenti, who looks like an infant but in fact is pushing thirty, gets inappropriately stoked that they're tracking an actual pair of actual spree killers. Special Agent Buzzkill testily reminds his much-younger partner that actual pairs of actual spree killers equal actual piles of actual paperwork, and Special Agent Buzzkill would likely continue bitching in that very boring vein for an extremely lengthy period of time, I'm sure, were it not for Special Agent Valenti's cell phone bleeping to inform them that Our Actual Heroes were just spotted mere moments ago at a gas station "about a thousand miles" away. The actual, honest-to-God FBI agents puzzle over Sam and Dean's miraculous and well-documented ability to slip through wormholes in time and space in order to travel a thousand miles in under three minutes, and then we're off to...

...some dark and deserted stretch of atmospheric nowhere, and as this episode's internal timeline no longer makes sense, I'll stop paying attention to it. "Good idea!" Thanks for backing me up, Raoul. "No problem!" So, the Impala grumbles through some dark and deserted stretch of atmospheric nowhere until it reaches a ramshackle house at the end of the road. Our Actual Heroes disembark, wonder loudly if they're in the right place, and eventually climb the hovel's broken front steps to rap on the door. There's no answer, so naturally, Sam and Dean just barge right on in and tippy-toe through the generalized gloom of the house's first floor until a chunky, grey-haired, middle-aged gent with questionable personal hygiene standards snaps on a light to menace them both with a very large gun. D'OH! "Well, well!" chuckles Frank Devereaux, for that is indeed whom Our Intrepid Idiots are now gaping at. "Spider caught some flies!" And that's a shitty, shitty line with which to end the first act, but end it there we must, for the METAL TEETH CHOMP! has arrived to drag us all into the commercial break.

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