Slash Fiction

Episode Report Card
Demian: A- | 8 USERS: A+
The Hardy Boys Sound Like Sensible Fucking Men

"All right," LeviaSam sighs, "in that case, let's turn up the heat -- the sooner I get out of this and into something more stable, the better." With that, LeviaDean whips his TEC-9 out of his pants, points it at a nearby nerd, and orders the kid to film what follows on his cell phone. The freaked-out nerd immediately complies, and LeviaSam leaps up to shout, "Everybody be cool! This is a robbery!" On cue, LeviaDean stomps up onto the counter and screams, "Any of you fucking pricks move, and I'll execute every mother-fucking last one of you!" And as an embarrassingly tacky riff on Pulp Fiction's undeniably kick-ass opening theme assaults our ears, our very own Pumpkin and Honey Bunny strike a variety of menacing poses for the benefit of the nerd's cell phone camera until they vanish into this evening's next METAL TEETH CHOMP!

We rejoin Our Actual Heroes out on the road, listening in as they finish up a call with Bobby, the latter of whom makes mention of the fact that decapitation seems to slow the Leviathans down. Sam thanks him for that bit of intel, then announces their plans to outflank their Leviathanically enhanced doppelgangers down in St. Louis. "Too late," Bobby gruffs, breaking the sad news that Pumpkin and Honey Bunny defiled Dean's favorite diner during the last commercial break. "Dammit!" I'm sure Dean interjects at some point during this conversation, and then Sam quickly recalibrates their route, pointing Dean in the direction of Ankeny, Iowa. Bobby wishes them luck, and with that, we're back to...

...Connor's Diner, where those two actual, honest-to-God FBI agents from Lake Manitoc are just now bustling in from elsewhere to survey what little remains of the carnage. Seriously, there's, like, a smear of blood on the jukebox, and that's it. Raoul is terribly disappointed, I can assure you. "[Sob!] It's true!" In any event, the actual, honest-to-God FBI agents corner one of the cops and get him to replay the nerd's video. It's a lot of jerky, hand-held crap I don't have time for, but the LeviaTwins do make sure their magically purloined faces are clearly shown at the end, so there you go.

Ridiculously Rustic Basement. Bobby prepares to zap Leviathan Chet with a couple of volts from a car battery, but D'OH! As he leans in to affix the clamps to Leviathan Chet's chains, he accidentally allows his forearm to brush up against the monster's, and now we've got Dueling Bobbys. "This skin make me look fat?" LeviaBobby smarms, once his off-camera transformation is complete, and that's rude. It's also pretty funny, so, you know: Good one, LeviaBobby. "Balls!" Actual Bobby curses once he realizes what's going on, and we proceed to learn the following facts about Actual Bobby, courtesy of his very own Leviathanically enhanced doppelganger: Actual Bobby is a high-school dropout and a drunk like his father before him, and his favorite singer is Joni Mitchell. Bobby totally cries like a little girl every time "Both Sides, Now" comes on the radio. You know he does. "[Sob!] Who doesn't?!" Well, me, for one. "You heartless wretch! Have you no soul!?" That's a funny question coming from a lizard. "Why, I...! I...! Hmph!" Oh, don't pout, Raoul -- I'm kidding! "Some joke!" Raoul harrumphs, practically vibrating in his dudgeon, and I'm afraid you'll just have to take me at my word, my scaly friend, because it's getting terribly late, and I really should be wrapping this whole thing up soon. "Oh, fine! Ignore my feelings, why don't you?!" There, there -- have a flagon or two to settle your nerves until we hit the next good part, okay? "Okay! [Slurp!]" Well, that was easy. Now, where the hell was I?

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