Episode Report Card
Demian: C- | 22 USERS: A-
It's Better For the Hardy Boys to Burn Out Than Fade Away
Wasting no time, Dean pulls the linked Horsemen's rings from his jacket pocket and flings the magically magnetized mess against one of the walls, where the contraption sticks as if glued to the plaster. Latination ensues, and the rings rip back through the wall to trigger a massive, sucking whirlwind just as Sam manages to rouse himself from his Lucifer-induced swoon. "Ah! Gah! I can feel him!" Afflicted Sammy cries, rising unsteadily to his feet. Dean leaps to his brother's aid, all the while calling out something like, "Go! Go now! NOW!" Afflicted Sammy steps towards the massive, sucking whirlwind in the wall and...turns around to admit he's actually Lucifer, and he's just been screwing with Dean's head. D'OH! "That certainly was predictable!" You are not incorrect, Raoul. "I seldom am! [Slurp!]" Truer words, friend of friends. Truer words. Anyway, Lucifer-In-Sam unleashes a little Latination of his own, and the massive, sucking whirlwind shuts itself off, in the process closing the hole it had ripped in the apartment's wall. Lucifer-In-Sam next retrieves The Horseman's rings and examines them for a very long moment before refocusing his attention back on Dean, whom he gently reminds, "I told you this would always happen in Detroit." And with that, Lucifer-In-Sam flutters away off camera, leaving Dean alone to beat his fists against his forehead all, "STUPID! I AM SO STUPID!" No argument from me there, sweetpea. "Nor I, I must say! [Slurp!] When did these charming little gentlemen become such blockheads?!" I think it was around the time the show got renewed for a sixth season. "Really!?" Okay, fine: The pilot. Are you happy? "[Titter!] Absolutely! [Slurp!]"

Oh, God. I forgot about this next sequence almost as soon as it ended last Thursday evening. Partly because it consists of little more than another goddamned round of seemingly endless blithering, but mainly because that goddamned round of seemingly endless blithering is, in this instance, taking place between Jared Padalecki and himself, and I'm sorry, but no. He's awfully easy on the eyes and everything, even taking into account that asstastic coif he's been sporting for the last few episodes, but seriously: No. So, long story short, Lucifer-In-Sam's whisked himself off to the cracked and decaying remains of one of Detroit's, uh, finer Victorian-era robber-baron mansions, I guess, and he plants himself in front of a mirror so he can chat with Actual Sam, who appears during all of this as Lucifer-In-Sam's reflection in the glass. And it's even stupider than it sounds, especially when Lucifer -- and ancient and enormously powerful entity who's older than the goddamned planet -- starts using Internet pre-teen LOL-speak like "MFEO" to describe their relationship, and I'll just be fast-forwarding past all of that crap to get to the point where Lucifer introduces us to the apparent waxworks who have been lurking in the background this entire time. It's a group of six or seven men and women of various ages and in a variety of costumes, all of whom stand with their arms limply at their sides and their blank, staring faces drooping slightly forward. Lucifer tells Sam to look closely at each of those faces, and Sam eventually recognizes them as people from his past, including a trusted grade-school teacher, a friend from "East Lansing," and the girl he took to prom way back in the day. Turns out they were all Azazel's plants -- much like Biff or Brophy or whatsisfratass from a couple of episodes ago -- and that the demonically enhanced have actually been observing and manipulating Sam since he was an infant. Which, quite seriously, is a really neat idea that loses a considerable amount of its impact given the wretched context in which it's been presented to us. Did I mention I hate this scene yet? "I believe you did!" Good, 'cause, you know. I really hate this scene. Anyway, Satan suggests Sam exact a little heavily bloody vengeance for Azazel's minions jerking him around his entire life, and Sam looks like he's down with that particularly gruesome idea. "Hooray!" Though, you know, it's all gonna happen off screen. "Rats!"

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