Episode Report Card
Demian: C- | 22 USERS: A-
It's Better For the Hardy Boys to Burn Out Than Fade Away

Moments later, Dean's prepping the Impala for his 800-mile suicide cruise to Kansas when Bobby and Castiel wander on over, presumably from the bar in which they've been imbibing copious amounts of alcohol whilst waiting for the inevitable blast wave to arrive. "Hooray! [Slurp!]" "You going someplace?" Bobby calls out. "You're gonna do something stupid," he realizes as he and Castiel move closer to Dean. "You got that look." Heh. Dean remains tight-lipped about his foolish intentions for a moment before finally admitting he wants to talk to Sam, and Bobby and Castiel's derision is as immediate and heartless as the audience's. Dean tells them they can rot in Hell for all he cares, and Metallicar grumbles off into the night. Well, you know. More or less.

Stull Cemetery, late the next morning, and oh, my holy Christ, this scene's even worse than the one with the mirror. Jared Padalecki as Lucifer-In-Sam meets up with Jake Abel as Michael-In-Adam and these two characters -- neither of whom has ever been the primary focus of this show, and one of whom is portrayed by an actor no one in the audience feels particularly attached to -- proceed to bitch at each other about their goddamned Daddy Issues. FOR THREE AND A HALF MINUTES. So, Armageddon is actually these two idiots talking each other to death? Thrilling! "I have had it!" shrieks Raoul, utterly appalled. "Wake me up when someone dies! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" And now we've lost Raoul? During a goddamned season finale? This show sucks.

And I'll not be transcribing the tedious argument that follows, thank you very much. Suffice it to say that Lucifer blames God for all of his problems but Michael begs to differ, so the two overgrown celestial infants must therefore throw down. You know, as soon as they're done bitching at each other about their goddamned Daddy Issues FOR THREE AND A HALF MINUTES. "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Shut up, Raoul. Finally -- FINALLY -- Dean tools up through the cemetery gates in the Impala with Def Leppard's "Rock Of Ages" blasting from Metallicar's tape deck and, having thus captured the boring angels' attention with so foolishly flashy an entrance, Our Intrepid Hero disembarks from the car to smart-ass, "Am I interrupting something?" Actually, Dean, you are: The METAL TEETH CHOMP!

Cemetery. Immediate Aftermath. Dean ambles over from the car with a far too casual, "Hey! We need to talk." Michael-In-Adam shoots Lucifer-In-Sam a look that basically says, "You want I should fry this mouthy motherfucker already, or do you think you can handle his snotty little bow-legged ass on your own?" Meanwhile, Dean addresses a few remarks to the apparently dormant Ginormotron that so anger Michael-In-Adam that the latter advances upon Our Intrepid Hero with a seething, "You little maggot! You are no longer a part of this story!" Just then, My Suddenly Appearing Baboo calls out from the sidelines, "Hey, ass-butt!" With that instantly immortal taunt, Castiel hurls a Holy Molotov Cocktail into Michael-In-Adam's chest, and the archangel incarnate erupts into a fireball that destroys his physical form. For the moment, at any rate. "Did you just Molotov my brother with holy fire?" Lucifer-In-Sam quietly rages. Castiel immediately and amusingly backtracks, all, "Um. No?" and you'll have to excuse me for a moment while I poke Raoul with a stick. "Hey! What on earEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Yeah, I figured you'd want to be awake for this. Claiming that "no one dicks with Michael but me," Lucifer-In-Sam snaps his fingers, and My Busted Baboo explodes, head first, into a chunky spray of blood and body parts that paints the camera lens red. "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" By the way, Bobby'd been standing right next to Castiel, so he ends up with stringy bits of angel guts dripping from his beard. "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" And then? Lucifer-In-Sam telekinetically snaps Bobby's neck. "VIOLENCE! WANTON ACTS OF UNREPENTANT HAIRBALL-SLAUGHTERING VIOLENCE AND GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE! EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" It's all so delightfully inappropriate and gruesome that I'm not even wondering how those two dithering dimwits managed to find out where Lucifer and Michael would be. "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" I'm thinking Raoul doesn't give a rat's ass about that particular plot hole, either. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" And to top it all off, Lucifer-In-Sam proceeds to beat The Pretty clear off Dashing El Deano's face! "VIOLENCE! VIOLENCE! VIOLENCE! GLALALALALALAALALLALALALLLAALALALAH!"

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