Supernatural

Episode Report Card
Demian: D | 5 USERS: A
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The Hardy Boys Waste An Hour Of Our Lives

Meanwhile, Dumb Dean still hasn't broken down that fucking bathroom door. I hate this show. Sam eventually frees him, Dumb Dean immediately clompy-stomps over to make sure that Whatever Is Currently Occupying Brady's Dead Body is still alive, and Our Immensely Irritating Heroes are about to launch themselves into yet another of their patented sissy hair-pulling slapfights when Crowley arrives from points unknown, looking somewhat worse for wear. "What a day I've had," he sighs for Sam and Dean's benefit before crossing into the torture chamber to tell Whatever Is Currently Occupying Brady's Dead Body, "Good news!" "What'd ya do?" Whatever Is Currently Occupying Brady's Dead Body mopes. "Went over to a demon's nest, had a little massacre," Crowley explains. "And WHY were we not witness to THAT?!" shrieks a terribly distraught Raoul, who has been forced to endure the last fifteen or so minutes of tedious chit-chat without so much as a single exploding eyeball to satisfy his cravings. "It's criminal!" Raoul laments, and you know I do not disagree with you, my scaly friend, but now that we've both given up on this pile of garbage that they're trying to call an episode, don't you think it best if we hurry through what remains as quickly as possible? "Oh, do whatever you want!" sobs Raoul, heartbroken. "I'm going to have another cocktail! [Slurp!]" Wise decision, Raoul. Wise decision.

So, yeah, Crowley had a little off-screen massacre while we were stuck back here not even trying to care about Sam's stupid seven-year-old psychodrama, but there seems to have been a snag. "Must be losing my touch," Crowley twinkles mischievously before clarifying, "Let one of the little toads live! Ooops!" "I also might have given said toad the impression that you left your post last night," Crowley adds, "because you and I are -- wait for it -- 'Lovers In League Against Satan.'" As Whatever Is Currently Occupying Brady's Dead Body rolls Brady's dead eyes Heavenwards, Crowley lets a sly little smile flicker across his face while cooing, "Hello, darling!" I've a feeling I should be annoyed by that, but Mark Sheppard's just too, too delightful with the impish merriment, here, so I'll probably order one of the Lovers In League Against Satan sweatshirts that popped up all over CafePress and Zazzle about five minutes after this episode aired. Or maybe a Hello, Darling! skateboard. Eh, I can always decide later.

Needless to say, Whatever Is Currently Occupying Brady's Dead Body is pissed because Whatever Is Currently Occupying Brady's Dead Body is now officially on Lucifer's permanent shit list and, realizing it's been beaten, Whatever Is Currently Occupying Brady's Dead Body decides to reveal Pestilence's current whereabouts. Unfortunately, before it can do that, a Hellhound bays in the distance. Whatever Is Currently Occupying Brady's Dead Body freaks out first, followed presently by Dean. Meanwhile, Sam's still too busy bunching his enormous panties into a tremendous wad to care much one way or the other, and Crowley spends the next several seconds frantically searching through his pockets until he finds what he's been looking for: A never-before-mentioned tracking device-slash-microphone is in the shape of a magical coin. Fuck you, Supernatural. Turns out one of the dead demons Crowley visited slipped the tracking device into his jacket, and now that Hellhound out there is homing in on the thing. Crowley, no fool, of course immediately flips the aggravating magical coin into Dumb Dean's outstretched hands and whisks himself out of there, leaving the mouthbreathing idiots to their collective fate, and I refuse to recap what happens next, because what happens next includes Dean blasting away at an invisible dog with rock salt until Crowley returns with an invisible dog of his own, and then the two invisible dogs fight with each other. Let me repeat that: We are watching two invisible dogs fighting with each other. FOR EIGHT GODDAMNED MINUTES. Well, okay, it's more like a minute, minute and a half, tops, but still: Two invisible dogs. Fighting with each other. What the hell happened to this season?

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Supernatural

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