Episode Report Card
Demian: D | 5 USERS: A
The Hardy Boys Waste An Hour Of Our Lives

...Crowley's hideout which, in sharp contrast to his previous mansion, is little more than a boarded-up rattrap somewhere deep within the vasty wastes of Nevada's Great Basin. Well, I'm guessing. I mean, Crowley could have magically transported the Impala to Maine, for all I know. In fact, given the bizarre and completely illogical location jumps we're about to endure for the remainder of this episode, I wouldn't be surprised if Crowley did indeed magically transport the Impala to Maine just now, but whatever. I've got actual plot points to deal with at the moment, including the following: Crowley knows all about The Horsemen's rings and Our Intrepid Heroes' plan to ensnare Lucifer using the same thanks to a tracking device-slash-microphone Crowley's valet hid in the Impala back in November, and they're just pulling this crap out of their collective ass at this point, aren't they? I mean, it's bad enough we're dealing with a never-before-mentioned tracking device-slash-microphone, but to learn that said never-before-mentioned tracking device-slash-microphone is in the shape of "a magical coin"? Shut up, Supernatural. I just...I HATE...I can't...oh, screw it. I haven't the strength this late in the season to scream about this bullshit, so let's keep this moving, shall we? "Let's!" Bless you for keeping my back in this, my hour of need, friend of friends. "No problem!" Okay, now where were we? Oh, yes: Crowley's stupid fucking magical coin, with which he eavesdropped on every single goddamned stupid fucking Impala conversation for the last six goddamned stupid fucking months. I wonder if he grew to hate the end-of-episode homilies as much as we did. ANY-way, while Crowley can't lead them directly to Pestilence himself, he can lead them to "The Horsemen's stableboy," an upper-level demonic force who basically acts as The Horsemen's personal assistant, and why we're hearing about this guy for the very first time in the third-to-last episode of the season, I'll never know, and then Dean wonders where The Horsemen's Buttboy's been keeping himself as of late, and we're off to...

...Niveus Pharmaceuticals' corporate headquarters, where Jocko Whitney from Smallville is conducting a late-night product meeting with people from his R&D, marketing, and distribution departments, and because Jocko Whitney's name appeared in the guest scroll at the top of the hour, and because the pharmaceutical industry is evil, I'm guessing Jocko Whitney is The Horsemen's Buttboy. "I was just about to suggest the same thing!" Yes, yes, Raoul, you are indeed a sage and discerning dragon. "Thanks!" Now, may I continue? "By all means!" Good. So, Jocko Whitney's even more of an unmitigated cock than he ever was on Smallville, and he screams about how the United States is in a mad panic over the Mexican influenza -- like, maybe last year, show -- and after he tears the wimpy head of distribution a new one over the latter's inability to push the Croatoan vaccine into market immediately, The Horsemen's Buttboy storms out of the conference room to...

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