Episode Report Card
Demian: D | 5 USERS: A
The Hardy Boys Waste An Hour Of Our Lives

...casually scroll through his e-mails back in his corner office. There's a knock at the door, and it's the unfortunate and wimpy head of Niveus Pharmaceuticals' distribution department, there to apologize for his woeful lack of business acumen, or something like that. Buttboy waves this "Mitchell" person into the room and rises from his desk to start in with the smarmy corporatespeak regarding lateral promotions into the communications sector and such, all the while circling closer and closer to Poor Doomed Mitchell until Buttboy...whips a straight razor out of his pocket and slits Mitchell's throat! "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" I'm so glad one of us is enjoying himself, Raoul. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" In any event, you might be wondering why Buttboy slashed Poor Dead Mitchell open like that. "I'm am not! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" Ahem. In any event, those of you who are not dizzy houseguests of yours truly might be wondering why Buttboy slashed Poor Dead Mitchell open like that. "Hee! EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Ugh. ANY-way, remember the blood phones Short-Lip Meg and Screamin' Duane used to dial up their Dee-monic Daddy back in the day? Same deal here, only Buttboy's calling Pestilence, who answers the blood phone by sending a couple of lazily buzzing disease-laden flies up through the sticky liquid in the cup. And once the connection's been made, Buttboy informs Pestilence of the Croatoan vaccine's "grotesque" levels of success during its recent human trials, and promises to have a nationwide distribution network set up soon. Next!

Crowley's Rattrap. Our Intrepid Heroes load a couple of duffels with various implements of demonic destruction while bickering about the decision to work with Crowley for a bit until The Crossroads Boss himself enters from points unknown to smoothly ask if Dean's ready. Dean's all, "Buh?" so Crowley patiently explains that Sam will be remaining behind to keep the home fires burning at the rattrap because for one thing, Crowley doesn't like Sam, and for another, Crowley doesn't trust Sam, and for a third, Crowley's getting pretty annoyed with how Sam keeps trying to kill him. And while all of that seems perfectly reasonable to me, Sam -- for whatever bizarre and just-appearing character reason that I'm sure will become important by the time the season finale rolls around in two weeks -- flies into a spitting rage, and he gets all beetle-browed and screamy and such, but long story short, Dashing El Deano agrees to do this Crowley's way, so Darling Sammy will just have to learn to live with his crushing disappointment. Or something like that. And how, exactly, does Darling Sammy learn to live with said crushing disappointment?

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