Episode Report Card
Demian: D | 5 USERS: A
The Hardy Boys Waste An Hour Of Our Lives

Twelfth Floor. Dean ices Buttboy's demonically enhanced bodyguard with The Knife That Can Kill Anything, then enters the luxuriously appointed corner office to blatantly wipe the bodyguard's blood from The Knife's blade onto one of Buttboy's cashmere overcoats. Unfortunately, if he was hoping to get a rise out of Buttboy from all of this, he must be sorely disappointed, for Buttboy merely waves Dean over to a seat and starts in with the chattering. And because they jaw away at each other for a full two minutes, and because none of the dialogue involved is particularly interesting, I'll get to the point: Dean bluffs that he's willing to sell Buttboy the rings he and Sam swiped from War and Famine as long as Buttboy agrees to continue the present meeting at a neutral location of Dean's choosing. Buttboy responds to Dean's offer by kicking Dean's ass. "VIOLENCE!" You see, even if Buttboy did get those two rings back from Dean, they'd be of no use to his conquered masters, for War and Famine have been mere husks of their former selves, curled up in fetal positions ever since Our Intrepid Heroes defeated them, and so much for seeing Titus Welliver on this show ever again, I suppose. Stupid Supernatural. "VIOLENCE!" I'm getting back to it, Raoul! Calm down. "VIOLENCE!" Rrrrgh. Anyway, because of all that, Buttboy would like nothing more than to exact a little vengeance for his fallen Horsemen, and he intends to start exacting said vengeance right now by ripping it out of Dashing El Deano's stumpy yet tantalizing derriere. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" And as Raoul writhes himself into paroxysms of glee thanks to the stupendously brutal beatdown Our Intrepid Hero's now suffering, the METAL TEETH CHOMP! clamps down to snatch us all into the next commercial break.

Evil Pharmaceutical Empire. Immediate aftermath. Mildly Mutilated El Deano somehow has made it back to the elevator, and we travel downwards to the lobby with him in real time until everybody in the audience falls asleep, and by the time we all wake up, the episode's over! See you next week, kids!

Kidding. Well, about the episode being over already. We actually do travel downwards to the lobby with Mildly Mutilated El Deano in real time, though, for some asinine and completely boring reason, and then Mildly Mutilated El Deano warily tippy-toes out of the car to glance around the building's apparently deserted entrance for a bit, only to discover that...Buttboy's somehow magically and silently teleported himself from the twelfth floor! DUN! Buttboy slams a fist into the back of Mildly Mutilated El Deano's head, and the Buttboy gloating that follows is almost as tedious as Dean's lengthy journey in the elevator. Almost. So, you know, it really is a very good thing that Crowley arrives at this moment to cinch a sigil-bedazzled burlap sack around Buttboy's surprised head, after which Crowley conjures up a crowbar to beat Buttboy like Buttboy owes him money. Whack! "VIOLENCE!" Whack! Whack! Whack! "WANTON ACTS OF UNREPENTANT SKULL-CRUSHING VIOLENCE!" Whack! Whack! Whack! "WANTON ACTS OF, um, UNRELENTING UNREPENTANT SKULL-CRUSHING VIOLENCE!" Whack! "Can I do it now?!" One more, Raoul: WHACK! "Now!?" Now. "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" And as Buttmunch crashes to the terrazzo, unconscious, Mildly Mutilated El Deano staggers to his feet to demand, "What was that?" "That," Crowley replies with an appreciative smile, "was perfect." "'Perfect'?" Mildly Mutilated El Deano gasps, incredulous. "He didn't want the rings," Mildly Mutilated El Deano protests, "he wanted me!" "Imagine the surprise on your face!" Crowley crows. "Your ignorance and misinformation?" he explains as Mildly Mutilated El Deano flails around, feeling betrayed. "I mean, completely authentic! You can't fake that." Mildly Mutilated El Deano glares. "It went like clockwork!" Crowley insists. "Not for me, you son of a bitch!" Mildly Mutilated El Deano yowls. "That's what you get for working with a demon," Crowley playfully chides, and with that, we're...

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