The Girl Next Door

Episode Report Card
Demian: D | 7 USERS: B
It's Like The Hardy Boys Aren't Even Trying Anymore

Out on the sidewalk, Wee Sam watches as the perky little blonde strides off towards a nearby park, followed by two adolescent oafs. Sensing danger, Wee Sam scampers along after them, and it's a good thing he did, because those adolescent oafs have decided to harass the perky little blonde. Bravely, Wee Sam confronts them, and when the adolescent oafs make as if to pound Wee Sam into the dirt, Wee Sam responds by kicking their collective ass. The adolescent oafs flee, and a mightily impressed perky little blonde invites Wee Sam back to her place for a little something-something, if you know what I mean.

Meanwhile, back in Present Sam's dark and forbidding piece of nowhere, Sam trails that just-arriving someone into the lush coastal rainforests of south-central Montana, and as that just-arriving someone happens to be a perky little blonde, I think we should be able to see where this is going. "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Well, those of us who are still awake should be able to see where this is going. The perky little blonde stalks an obviously loaded boozehound over to his car -- which, I should remind you, is parked in the middle of the lush coastal rainforests of south-central Montana, for fuck's sake -- but before anything interesting can happen, Sam pounces, tossing the perky little blonde up against a tree whilst pressing a knife against her knockers. "Hello, Amy!" Sam snarls, and with that, he disappears into this evening's next METAL TEETH CHOMP!

Lush Coastal Rainforests Of South-Central Montana. Immediate aftermath. Amy and Sam exchange a few tense pleasantries, and then Sam frog-marches her back towards the purloined Impala, all the while seething about "the same pattern and the same victim pool," just like when they were kids, and Amy protests her normalcy, claiming she's been steadily employed for the last six years with a house and a mortgage and a couple of cats, and before we can find out what the hell she's talking about, we get bitch-slapped again into the...

...jaundiced past, where Teen Amy's tending to Wee Sam's bruised eye, and no, that is not a euphemism for something naughty, you sickos. They flirt, and Teen Amy heads into the kitchen to fetch Wee Sam something cool and refreshing, rather casually sliding aside various jars positively brimming with Braaaaaaaains! to reach the soda cans at the back of the fridge because Amy is secretly a pituitary-sucking monster, and she and Wee Sam flirt some more, bonding over their equally sucky parents until Wee Sam leans in for a sudden kiss, and then it's back to the...

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