The Girl Next Door

Episode Report Card
Demian: D | 7 USERS: B
It's Like The Hardy Boys Aren't Even Trying Anymore

...Lush Coastal Rainforests Of South-Central Montana, where Present Amy insists, "What I am? I'm managing it!" "You spiked three guys this week!" Present Sam howls, outraged, and they blather at each other like that for a little bit until Amy's eyes flash an unnatural shade of something I'm guessing is close to neon blue, at which point she easily knocks the knife from Sam's hand before slamming his much-abused skull into a tree. Unfortunately for her, Sam had managed to pick her pocket before lapsing into unconsciousness, so even though she manages to skitter off, I'm thinking he'll be able to figure out where she lives. You know, after he recovers from his latest subdural hematoma. In all of three seconds.

Over at The Gallatin County Morgue, Dapper Dean's arrived to masquerade as an FBI agent and inquire about Dapper Sam's recent visit. Upon receiving word of the recent victims' missing pituitary glands, Dapper Dean mutters, "Son of a bitch!" and leaps back into his...

...stolen car, where he calls Bobby to fill the latter in on recent events. And as that's all there is to that, let's skip over to...

...Amy's tastefully appointed home, where we find the monster of the house frantically packing her bags, only to discover that Sam's suddenly materialized in her living room. D'OH! "How did you find me?" she predictably asks. "You dropped this," Sam LIES, wagging the slip of paper he extracted from her pocket around in the air before arching a brow and smirking, "'Amy Pond,' huh? Cute name." I'll be the judge of that. She purses her lips, and he stares at her, and she stares at him, and he stares back at her, and OH MY GOD WOULD SOMETHING JUST HAPPEN ALREADY IN THIS GODDAMNED EPISODE? JESUS! "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Go to hell, Raoul. "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Oh, never mind.

ANY-way, Amy's got fresh blood on her hand, and Sam freaks, and he gets all screamy until...

...FLASHBACK! Wee Sam and Teen Amy finish up with their sudden kiss and break apart to stare all googly-eyed at each other until Wee Sam unexpectedly knocks his soda all over the floor, and no, that's not a euphemism for something naughty, either, you perverts. Teen Amy hastens to mop up the mess with a dishrag, and they bond over their equally sucky parents some more until...

...POND PAD!, and we finally -- FINALLY -- get an explanation for Present Amy's recent jolly dirtbag-slaughtering murder spree. She's got a son, you see -- a wee slip of a lad named "Jacob," who's about ten, going by the glimpse of his sleeping face that we get when she briefly eases open his bedroom door. While Amy swore off feeding on fresh Braaaaaaaains! years ago, even going so far as to become a mortician so she could get her necessary pituitary fix without killing anyone, her son was a different story. He recently fell ill thanks to all those dead Braaaaaaaains! his mother was feeding him, so Amy had to go dirtbag-hunting until the kid had sucked down enough fresh pituitaries to get better. And now that Jacob's recovering, as Amy insists, "It's over." "I give you my word," she promises Sam before asking, "How is spilling more blood gonna help anyone?" Sam, chastened for whatever reason, hasn't an answer for that one, so Amy presses on, noting, "You can still walk away from this." "We both can," she emphasizes. Conflicted Sammy chews on his lower lip, offering Amy a chance to prompt, "After what I did for you?" and...

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