The Girl With The Dungeons And Dragons Tattoo

Episode Report Card
Demian: F | 21 USERS: A-
The Hardy Boys Pander Shamelessly To Geeks

Dumbass El Deano quickly decides to talk Adorkably Quirky Super-Hacker™ Felicia Day® through her flirtatious encounter with Security Guard "Bill," feeding her lines like he's some sort of modern-day -- and far-prettier -- Cyrano de Bergerac and it goes as horribly as you'd imagine it would, with Adorkably Quirky Super-Hacker™ Felicia Day® obliviously repeating Dean's whispered asides to a snickering Sam as if they were part of the seduction, but in the end, the smitten Bill falls for it anyway because Adorkably Quirky Super-Hacker™ Felicia Day® has that super-special spark that sets her far above the rest of humanity. And I can't believe I just typed that last part out without ralphing all over my computer. Several people need to rot in Hell forever for this episode. Ugh.

So where the hell were we? Oh, yeah: With all that out of the way, Adorkably Quirky Super-Hacker™ Felicia Day® takes off down the eleventh-floor hall -- supposedly to "powder her nose" in the executive washroom because the ladies' on four is filthy -- and, upon reaching Richard Roman's office, she deliberately enters what she's calling "radio silence" for the next couple of minutes.

Down in the van, Dimwit Sammy pours borax-laced detergent into a series of Mason jars. No, I don't know why. Stop asking me questions.

Up in the office, Adorkably Quirky Super-Hacker™ Felicia Day® has of course cracked Richard Roman's password -- it's "w1nn1ng," by the way -- and she's in the middle of copying his entire e-mail directory onto a flash drive when Security Guard Bill gets suspicious and decides to go a-rapping on the washroom door. Fortunately, Dead Bobby's there to fuck with the guy's mind, which he accomplishes by... telekinetically slamming Richard Roman's door shut, thereby drawing Security Guard Bill's attention to the very room they need the guy to avoid? I think there's something wrong with Dead Bobby's brain. Or rather, I would think there's something wrong with Dead Bobby's brain were it not for the fact that everyone on this show is now a blithering fucking idiot. In any event, Adorkably Quirky Super-Hacker™ Felicia Day® thinks fast and scampers over to Richard Roman's private can, from which she too-innocently emerges once Security Guard Bill's made his way into the office. And even though she was constitutionally incapable of flirting with him without Dumbass El Deano's assistance before, she has absolutely no problem doing so now and words cannot describe how much I hate my life at this moment. Have I mentioned the fact that Richard Roman's office apparently overlooks The Wrigley Building from across Pioneer Court, even though Mount Prospect is twenty-five miles northwest of The Loop? Well, consider it done. And speaking of done is this scene over yet? It is? Thank fucking Christ.

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