The Girl With The Dungeons And Dragons Tattoo

Episode Report Card
Demian: F | 21 USERS: A-
The Hardy Boys Pander Shamelessly To Geeks

And believe it or not, it only gets worse from here. We watch as Adorkably Quirky Super-Hacker™ Felicia Day® bounds from the elevator bank into her fourth-floor cubicle and of course -- of course -- her desk is littered with numerous examples of the sort of hideously overpriced pop-culture detritus so often favored by the cripplingly maladjusted, including a Legolas bobblehead, a Yoda PEZ dispenser, a Wonder Woman figurine and far too many pieces of infantile Harry Potter-related shit for me to count. Foremost amongst the latter is a wonky-eyed statuette of -- hang on, I've got to look this up -- Hermione Gingold, which Adorkably Quirky Super-Hacker™ Felicia Day® will be addressing out loud at numerous points during what follows and I mention that last bit now because I'm extremely likely to skip over those parts once we reach them, the better to preserve what little remains of my sanity. So. Where the hell were we?

Oh, yeah: Adorkably Quirky Super-Hacker™ Felicia Day® begins her workday by illegally transferring $10,000 from a Republican PAC's online -- wait a minute. Is she transferring that money from the PAC's website, rather than its actual bank account? Oh, my holy god, she totally is. Jesus Christ, this show sucks. Fast-forward, fast-forward, fast-forward... and here's one of Adorkably Quirky Super-Hacker™ Felicia Day®'s blubbery co-workers, there to "live vicariously" through her exploits! Asshole. And after Adorkably Quirky Super-Hacker™ Felicia Day® regales the fat sack of crap with lurid tales of engaging in bathroom sex at a charity benefit or something, their "teddy bear" of a boss arrives to summon her into his office for an impromptu meeting with...

...Richard Roman! Dun-dun-DUN! Or not, as the case may be, because unfortunately the eminent Richard Roman will not be devouring Adorkably Quirky Super-Hacker™ Felicia Day® whole during this or any other scene this evening. Instead, he opens the meeting by babbling something about the unspecified "dream" he's close to realizing, which he feels might be jeopardized by "the actions of one tiny little person." Naturally, Adorkably Quirky Super-Hacker™ Felicia Day® thinks he's talking about her and her adorkably quirky siphoning of funds from various nefarious conservative organizations and she pleads, "Sir, I can fix this -- please don't fire me!" Richard Roman cocks a brow and almost-smiles, "Is this about hacking those super PACs? 'Cause that was adorable." And he means it. And now that Richard Roman's tongue-kissing Felicia Day®'s goddamned ass for no discernible reason, he can just fucking die too. "Tell me," he continues, as if that last line weren't more than enough, "how does a high-school dropout become one of the brightest minds at Roman, Inc.?" I'd transcribe Adorkably Quirky Super-Hacker™ Felicia Day®'s response, I'm sure, were I not so busy dry-heaving at the moment. "You're kind of completing me right now," Richard Roman continues, adding, "You have that spark -- that thing that makes humans so special." Actual vomit is now rising in my throat. "Not everyone has it," Richard Roman observes, "but people like you are impossible to copy." And as I'm now straight-up yakking directly at the television screen, I'll be skipping ahead to the relevant bit of this hateful conversation: Richard Roman hands Probably-Dead Frank's purloined hard drive over to Adorkably Quirky Super-Hacker™ Felicia Day® with an order to decrypt the thing within three days or else. With that, Richard Roman breezes on out of there.

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