Episode Report Card
Demian: C+ | 4 USERS: A
The Hardy Boys Schedule Vasectomies

RAAAWWWR! "Eeeeeeeeeeeee!" Raoul shrieks, as is his wont, though I don't entirely approve of this new title card. "Oh, don't be a gigantic pissypants buzzkill like our Darling Sam!" Raoul begins before cutting himself short and tittering, "Hee! 'Buzzkill!' Get it?!" Yes, yes, very amusing, I'm sure, but to get back to the point, I miss the animal jaws roaring out from the flames and such. This bony-claws-through-roiling-demonic-clouds thing just isn't doing it for me. "If you ask me!" Raoul begins, even though I recall doing nothing of the sort, "it's simply because this particular opening sequence -- delightfully gruesome though it was, I'm sure! -- lacked the METAL TEETH CHOMP! we've all grown so accustomed to prior to the title card!" D'oh! Oh, you're probably right, my scaly friend, but we should get on with the episode itself, shouldn't we? "Must we?!" he whimpers, shuddering and making pleading and damp doe eyes at me. "Those...things!" He's talking about the children, of course. "I don't know if I can take it!" I'll give you advance warning whenever one of them threatens to lurch into view -- how about that? "But my heart!" I'll take that as a yes.

Instantly and jarringly, Sam pops up from the blackness that follows the new title card to hiss something at Bobby via his cell. The camera jumps back as Dean raps on the window of the café in which Sam is currently ensconced, where Sam eyes some magical translation software on his laptop as it speedily translates the microfilmed image of an ancient bit of papyrus from Sanskrit into English. Riiiiight. Long story short, Sam's still trying to figure out a way to release his brother from the latter's obligations to the sassy Crossroads Demonette, and that's all we need to know about that subplot for now, because jaunty El Deano's just arrived with word of a possible job. Sam too-hastily cuts his call short -- LYING badly about the nature of said call, naturally -- so we can all finally get down to this week's business. Dean tosses the newspaper article detailing Dead Dad's untimely demise across the diner table, and to my delight, it mentions that Dead Dad's "body was found lying on his back in a pool of blood on top of his circular saw, the blade having cut through his spinal cord and several ribs into his thoracic cavity." Yeah, like any local paper would get that detailed, but still: Whee! The article also informs us the deceased was one "Richard Keel," who's left behind his ex-wife, "Diana," and their daughter, "Katie." Just so you know. In any event, Sam of course thinks This Is Not Their Kind Of A Thing, so horny El Deano's forced to admit an ulterior motive: Eight years ago, he spent a particularly "bendy" weekend in Cicero with a yoga instructor named "Lisa Braeden," and he'd very much appreciate a repeat of that performance before the hellhounds arrive to drag him away, thank you very much.

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