Episode Report Card
Demian: C+ | 4 USERS: A
The Hardy Boys Schedule Vasectomies

Unfortunately, he bolts directly into an annoying an unnecessary scenelet with his supposed bastard of a son in which the similarities between their personalities are even more obnoxiously underscored for the absolutely and brutally dimwitted in the audience who have yet to figure it all out, so let's hop back into...

...Lisa's kitchen, shall we? There we find the lady of the house comforting Demented Diana, because Lisa's under the impression Demented Diana's taking her ex-husband's untimely demise a little hard, you see. To Lisa's horror, Demented Diana's actually becoming increasingly unhinged over her own daughter. "I'm not sure," Demented Diana confesses, stammering a bit, "that Katie is...Katie." "What?" Lisa bites, deeply uneasy with the turn the conversion has taken. "I'm not sure that's my daughter," Demented Diana elaborates, more than a little desperate and on the verge of tears. "You can't talk like that," Lisa begins, thinking it's Diana's grief talking, here, but Demented Diana cuts her off with, "You don't understand!" Lisa won't drop it, though, and assures Demented Diana that she and the others in the neighborhood will be certain to provide Demented Diana with whatever help the latter needs to make it through her current crisis. The instant Demented Diana realizes Lisa thinks she's as batshit as she truly is, though, she freezes up and scurries to collect her demonic moppet to flee the party. Unfortunately, Lisa gets not a moment to mull all this over before Dean comes barging in to ask if her little bastard's his. Lisa scoffs at the very idea just as Demented Diana and her unnaturally disaffected daughter cross by to exit. "Something wrong with your friend?" Dean wonders, perhaps eager to change the subject. Lisa fills him in on Dead Dick's unfortunate "accident," then adds that "there's been a lot of bad luck in the neighborhood lately." DUN!

Back at The Cicero Pines, Darling Sammy's deep into some Crossroads Demonette-related research in the motel's diner when up pops...The Mysterious And Slender Blonde That All True Fangirls Everywhere Must Hate! "Hello, Sam!" she opens, right before Darling Sammy's mightily furrowed brow drops straight into the first METAL TEETH CHOMP! of the evening.

Diner. Long story short, The Hate Blonde -- who has yet to be given a proper name, I should note -- has been tracking Our Dear Ginormotron since Lincoln, and she's done her reading on him, too. Yep, she knows all about The Demonic Miss America Pageant and Sam's back-door victory in same -- she uses the word "Antichrist" to describe him because of said victory, by the way -- and what's more, she knows all about What Happened To Burnt Mary And All Of Burnt Mary's Friends, as well. Sam of course is all, "Uh, what was that about my dear, departed, demonically connected mother's friends?" leading The Hate Blonde to realize instantly that Sam's been a bit remiss in what should have been a primary focus of his research all along. She coyly unfolds his hand and, scribbling her cell number into his palm, instructs him to check out that particular bit of his family's history and get back to her when he's done. "By the way," she adds, right before vanishing through the diner's front door, "you do know there's a job in this town, right?"

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