Episode Report Card
Demian: C+ | 4 USERS: A
The Hardy Boys Schedule Vasectomies

Back at Demented Diana's, the poor crazy woman's just finished frying up a grilled cheese for her undeserving bit of Satan spawn, and she places the tasty snack in front of the entirely disinterested fiend right before fleeing to the bathroom and locking the door behind her. She rubs uncomfortably at her neck as she crosses to the mirror, but before she manages to catch sight of her own huge honking suck mark in the reflection, The Demonic Daughter starts banging repeatedly upon the door, calling out, "Mummy? Let me in!" "What are you doing?" the preadolescent nightmare shouts just as Demented Diana snatches up a hand mirror and finally spots the mark. Demented Diana dissolves into tears of anguished terror as The Demonic Daughter begins throwing its body against the damn door, all the while screaming, "LetmeinletmeinLETMEIN!" Suddenly, the screams and the banging halt when the doorbell rings below. Demented Diana manages to pull herself together and arrives at the front door to discover The Demonic Daughter's already answered to find the realtor from earlier standing on the front porch with a basket of baked goods. After sending the brat into the kitchen with the basket, Demented Diana attempts to be pleasant with her unexpected visitor, but that all goes to hell the instant The Red-Headed Step-Realtor inquires as to the disposition of the house, given the fact that Dead Dick won't be coming through with the alimony to pay for it anymore. Furious, Demented Diana slams the door in the woman's face and twists on the lock before collapsing against it, wracked with psychic agony. And that all goes to hell the instant The Demonic Daughter reappears at Demented Diana's feet to demand, "Mummy! I'd like ice cream, please!" Demented Diana gapes. "KILL HER ALREADY! KILL THE SATANIC FOULNESS SENT STRAIGHT FROM THE BLEEDING PITS OF HELL!" Raoul! Volume! If you're going to be like this for the rest of the episode, then I'm going to have to insist you retire to your den, because my eardrums simply can't take it anymore. "Eardrums?!" Raoul shrieks, appalled. "Your eardrums?! What about my FRAIL HEART!?" Oh, don't go pulling that... "I HAVE A MURMUR!" You have a murmur? "I HAVE A MURMUR, AND THIS EPISODE IS ABOUT TO KILL ME DEAD!" Drama queen. "Absolutely!" Raoul replies easily enough, immediately cured of his supposed condition. "I just thought, wouldn't it be fun if we raised the stakes a little?! If The Demonic Daughter wins, I drop dead!" But...we already know the...she... "Silence! It's a fabulous idea, and you will play along with it!" Yeah, don't bet on it, doll.

ANY-way, where the hell was I? Oh, yeah: Dean, apparently pulling a little neighborhood reconnaissance of his own, is about to climb into the Impala when he notices his presumptive bastard moping on a park bench. Long story short, some fat kid's swiped The Little Bastard's PS3, or whatever, so after a bit of unheard off-screen instruction from El Deano, The Little Bastard knees the fat kid in the nuts -- hard, and twice -- to get the thing back. Dean and The Little Bastard high-five each other over the Ben's triumph, but Lisa, suddenly appearing on the scene, is appalled, and after chewing out her son for kicking a fat kid in the nuts, she yanks Dean aside to seethe, "What are you even still doing here? We had one weekend together a million years ago. You don't know me, and you have no business with my son!" Point to Lisa. Well, points, actually, but whatever, because I don't care about this subplot. Okay, the next bit, where The Little Bastard breaks free from his mother's hand as she's dragging him away so he can race back to give Dean a hug before looking up at him and saying, "Thanks," is kind of cute, but still: Don't care. Next!

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