Episode Report Card
Demian: C+ | 4 USERS: A
The Hardy Boys Schedule Vasectomies

Batshit Acres. After what must have been a very long walk indeed, Demented Diana staggers through her front door and, wracked with sobbing, makes her uncertain way through the darkened front hall until she notices -- to her immense shock and disbelief -- a dripping puddle of water creeping across the kitchenette's floor. She slowly lifts her gaze to find her sodden devil child sitting pretty as you please at the breakfast bar, from which perch she chirps, "Hello, Mummy! May I have that ice cream now?" The camera lingers on The Demonic Daughter's toothy grin for the longest of Raoul-terrifying moments before everything collapses into the METAL TEETH CHOMP! "EEEEEK!"

Back at the motel, College Boy's figured out a plague of Changelings has invaded Morning Hill, and as he describes their attributes and diet for Dim Dean, the camera cuts over to Batshit Acres so we might watch The Demonic Daughter partake of dead-to-the-world Diana's synovial fluid via that suck mark on the back of the woman's neck. Ew. Long story short, Changelings break into homes, snatch away the real children, and pose as those kids in order to suck the mothers of the households dry. Anyone who impedes them in this task gets his fool self slaughtered, so we now have an explanation for all of the dead dads, improbable though that explanation may be, because last time I checked, guys had synovial fluid, too, but whatever. Also, "fire's the only thing that wastes them," so El Deano's slapped together a jury-rigged flamethrower for himself out of various implements I'm sure I'd recognize if I gave a rat's ass. And what of the real children the Changelings have replaced? They're stored "underground" somewhere, so Our Intrepid Heroes had best get their tantalizing asses in gear if they're going to save everyone who went missing over the last couple of weeks. Unfortunately, Dean decides to make a detour over to Lisa's first in order to get her out of the development, pronto, because he still thinks Ben is his bastard, despite the fact that everyone else -- everyone else -- knows he's not. Good thing, then, that the little bastard's already been snatched, as we can tell by his doppelganger's extremely averse reaction to the gentleman he so willingly hugged not five hours ago, because that means that Dean now has to, you know, do his goddamned job.

And that he does, first confirming his suspicions by finding those reddish smears Sam mentioned just below The Little Bastard's bedroom window, then by -- yes -- sticking his fingers into the crap to figure out that it's actually red dirt. Having spotted a pile of red dirt near the top of the hour as he entered Morning Hill, he pumps his stumpy little bowlegs back to the Impala, hops into the driver's seat next to Sam, and tears off towards the last remaining house to be completed in the development. Once there, Our Intrepid Heroes split up, and while Sam pulls lengthy amounts of flashlight-fu on the upper floors, Dean quickly descends into the basement, where he finds all of the children -- including his supposed bastard -- properly locked into tiny little cages as all children should be. "Absolutely!" Unfortunately, Dean disagrees with our perfectly respectable ideas regarding proper parenting, and assures The Little Bastard that he'll have all of them sprung in no time.

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