The Purge

Episode Report Card
Tippi Blevins: C- | 142 USERS: B
The Unrelated Hardy Boys Suck
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

THEN! Sam and Dean went through the millionth iteration of their Great Big Mopey Problems. Sam said their relationship was broken, and that they don't see things the same way anymore. "I can't trust you," he said. Dean replied, "All right, well, have a nice life! I'll continue on my separate path!" Just kidding. He just meekly accepted that everything was his fault and agreed to hunt with Sam again, even if it meant they couldn't be brothers anymore.

NOW! Here we are in Stillwater, Minnesota, as an audience counts down the last seconds of the Great Lakes Regional Hot Dog Eating Championship. The finalists are a rather large fellow with a patchy beard, and a skinny guy with stringy hair. The emcee is wearing a mustard-colored suit that has hotdogs printed all over it, and a tie the exact color of ketchup straight from the squeeze bottle. I feel like more thought was put into this guy's costume than was put into the continuity of the Winchesters' genuine problems. The big guy stuffs hot dogs into his cheeks, which draws the referee's ire. "No chipmunking allowed! Swallow or you're disqualified!" The big guy nods furiously and continues jamming his craw with tubes of miscellaneous animal rectums and hooves. Finally, the buzzer sounds and the ref checks each contender's platter. The big guy has one fewer left on his. "Looks like we got a wiener," says the ref, holding the big guy's hand up in the air. "He cheated!" protests his skinny competitor. "I saw you slip a hot dog in your pocket!" The big guy scoffs and says, "I hate to break it to ya pal, but that's no hot dog!" The audience erupts in cheers and laughter and hoots. The skinny guy slinks away in defeat as the big guy is handed his winnings.

Later that night, after the parking lot has emptied of potential witnesses, the big guy squeezes into his car and studies his trophy admiringly. He laughs and laughs, then pulls the hot dog from his pants pocket. It is remarkably un-squashed, considering its hiding place. He laughs at the hot dog, too, and then bites into it with a sigh of satisfaction. For some reason, loud stripper music can be heard coming from the competition venue, even though everybody seems to have left. Anyway, while the champ is eating his cold, elicit hot dog, he hears a clunk outside his car. He rubs at the condensation his window, sees nothing, and laughs some more.

He laughs and laughs right up until a hooded figure pops up in back seat. Champ suddenly jerks and flails with such force that bits of hot dog and masticated bun fly from his mouth. Whatever is attacking him sounds like a shop vac trying to suck up clam chowder from a kiddie pool. Champ's round face grows gaunt and wrinkled, and his belly deflates until his clothes are even looser than Dean's. As the mystery attacker exits the car, the camera focuses on the bumper sticker. Bacon makes everything better. Now, I wrote in a previous recap that when the gender of a character is obscured, then it's almost always a woman. However, when the obvious suspect is a woman, then the mystery character almost always turns out to be a man. Frankly, I was hoping it would be some kind of vengeful porcine god. "That's what you get for eating my brethren! Oink!"

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