Episode Report Card
Demian: A- | 3 USERS: A-
The Hardy Boys Go Back To The Future. Again.">River Grove, Oregon, it is actually Lawrence, Kansas, in the year of our Lord nineteen hundred seventy-eight, as they will presently confirm for themselves. They must first, however, contend with a broken angel, for the jaunt back in time has left My Poor Sweet Baboo battered and bleeding in the gutter. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" shrieks Raoul, positively plotzing atop his overstuffed armchair for some bizarre reason over this entirely predictable turn of events, and Raoul, honey: Chill. "But the darling little lamb is coughing up blood!" Relax! It's just a convenient little bit of contrivance to remove him from the remainder of this evening's action, in order to force Sam and Dean to deal with Anna by themselves. "Really?!" Swear to God. "You promise!?" I do. "Well! What a relief!" Now, may I continue? "You may!" Rrrrgh.

ANY-way, while Dashing El Deano tucks the conveniently injured Castiel into bed in The Prairie Court Motel's Honeymoon Suite for the duration, Darling Sammy makes like he's Marty McFly in Back To The Future by ripping a page from the phone book in a booth out on the sidewalk. Once Dean's rejoined him, the two banter about ubiquitous pornstaches and pot-dealing hotel managers for a bit until Sam confirms that the phone book says their soon-to-be parents currently reside at "485 Robin Tree," and the next thing we know, Our Intrepid Heroes are...

...wheeling their stolen car over to the side of the road in front of a house numbered "3014" because someone on the production staff fucked up. Ooops. Sam and Dean disembark and bicker about how to introduce themselves to Pre-Sucky John and Unburnt Mary for a while, with said bickering including the following line from Dean: "What exactly are we gonna march up there and tell them? That their sons are back from the future to save them from an angel-gone-Terminator? Those movies haven't even come out yet!" Heh. Dean eventually just orders Sam to follow his lead, and after a brief little scenelet that serves only to illustrate Pre-Sucky John and Unburnt Mary's newlywed bliss, Dean rings 485 Robin Tree's doorbell. Unburnt Mary answers, and to say she is less than pleased to see Dean again after all these years would be something of an understatement. "You can't be here!" she hisses, glancing from the unwanted stumpy little bow-legged midget now occupying her front porch all the way up to his unusually large traveling companion and then all the way back down again before continuing, "I don't do that anymore -- I have a normal life now, and you have to go." Dean apologizes for intruding and attempts to explain, but Pre-Sucky John's just arrived with a pleasant smile on his face, so the LYING LIARS WHO LIE tell their soon-to-be father that they're Mary's cousins, and Pre-Sucky John invites them in for a beer. Dashing El Deano wastes not an instant accepting John's offer, Unburnt Mary presents her unexpected houseguests with a bitchface so massive it nearly puts Darling Sammy's to shame, and Darling Sammy himself suddenly gets all misty-eyed and verklempt because Darling Sammy is a gigantic, emotionally unstable freak.

This astoundingly awkward family reunion continues in the Winchester's tastefully appointed living room, where Borderline Personality Disorder Sam trains his moist, searching gaze upon an increasingly tense and uncomfortable Unburnt Mary until even the typically oblivious Pre-Sucky John realizes there's something just the teensiest bit strange about the situation. Attempts are made at casual conversation until the telephone rings, at which point Pre-Sucky John excuses himself, but not before asking his wife's demented relatives to stay for dinner, much to Unburnt Mary's obvious annoyance.

Out in the kitchen, Pre-Sucky John's answered the phone, and it's his boss, "Mr. Woodson," calling to tell Pre-Sucky John that he's been fired. Pre-Sucky John pleads for reinstatement, and the camera cuts over the garage, where it pans past a corpse's denim-clad legs before landing on...Terminator Anna, pulling an Arnie by mimicking Dead Woodson's voice! DUN! Pre-Sucky John agrees to meet his supposed boss down at the garage in ten minutes to discuss his future employment, and from there, we head back to...

...the living room, where Unburnt Mary and her Hedwig hairdon't are once again ordering their unwanted houseguests to hit the road, pronto. Sam and Dean are thus forced to level with her, and they tell her who Anna is and what she intends to do, though they continue to withhold certain relevant information regarding Anna's motivation. Unburnt Mary's initially unimpressed with their explanation for, as you'll recall, no one in the world of this show believed in angels until Thursday, September 18, 2008, but something in Dean's manner convinces her he's telling the truth for once in his miserable, wretched, and horribly misbegotten life. "Where do we go?" she whimpers, suddenly despairing. "What do I tell [my alarmingly attractive husband]?" Dean starts to babble something by way of response, but halts himself when he realizes they haven't heard a peep from his soon-to-be father in several very long minutes. The three hustle into the kitchen, where they find the following note scrawled onto the telephone's pad: "BACK IN 15 J." Uh oh.

"Mr. Woodson?" Pre-Sucky And Alarmingly Attractive John calls out as he makes his way through the gloom of the apparently deserted auto body repair shop. "You still here?" Alarmingly Attractive Pre-Sucky John works his way to the middle of the shop floor, where he flicks on the lights to discover... "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" For yes, gentle reader, Dead Woodson's sprawled across the oil-stained concrete with two gaping, bloody holes where his eyes should be, because Anna The Avenger's apparently seared those eyes right out of his skull! "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Alarmingly Attractive John gasps and spins to call for help, but Anna's right there behind him, and she snatches him up with one hand by his jacket's lapel to hurl his alarmingly attractive ass across the room into a set of shelves. "VIOLENCE!" John's dazed, but Anna's even groggier for some reason -- presumably because her mysteriously reconstituted human body reacted just as badly to time travel as Castiel's did -- and her wobbly, delayed reaction time is enough to allow John to scramble to his feet, grab for a tire iron, and whack her smack in the teeth! "VIOLENCE! WANTON ACTS OF UNREPENTANT AUTOMOTIVE-RELATED VIOLENCE AND GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" For whatever reason, despite her earlier shakiness, Anna's recovery time is lightning-quick, and the next thing John knows, he's hurtling end-over-end through the air across a decrepit Chevrolet to the far side of the garage, where he finally crashes to the floor, unconscious. "EEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Anna, with barely a second to spare, now wheels around to throw the suddenly appearing El Deano into a one-handed choke hold, and I'll be damned if I know how he, Sam, and Mary figured out where John would be given that Caller ID won't be available for another ten goddamned years, but whatever, because they're at the garage now, and Dean -- forever with the smart-assed remarks -- manages to gasp, "Wish I could say it was good to see you!" right before Anna tosses Jensen Ackles's stunt double through a window. "Look at his veiny grandpa hands!" shrieks Raoul, and darling, sweetheart, honeybunch: Please. I'd like to make it to the end of this action sequence before my fiftieth birthday. "Okay!" So, no sooner has Dean hit the ground outside, however, when Unburnt Mary retrieves The Angel-Smiting Scimitar from where it fell when Grandpa Hands dropped it, and Unburnt Mary displays some of her mad-fancy scimitar-handling skillz until Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10Next





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