Episode Report Card
Demian: A- | 3 USERS: A-
The Hardy Boys Go Back To The Future. Again.

Farmhouse. Immediate aftermath. As the whine vanishes almost as quickly as it had arrived, the front door slams open, seemingly of its own accord, and Uriel steps across the threshold for a little meet-and-greet. Our Intrepid Heroes attempt to hustle their imperiled soon-to-be parents out through the back of the place, only to find that particular exit blocked by Anna. Dashing El Deano rolls his eyes, snorts, "Well, here goes nothing!" in Darling Sammy's general direction, and immediately gets his tantalizing ass handed to him by Uriel. "VIOLENCE!" Darling Sammy, meanwhile, foolishly attempts to best Anna at the hand-to-hand, and because Darling Sammy suh-huuuuuuucks at the hand-to-hand, Anna immediately knocks him through a retaining wall. "WANTON ACTS OF UNREPENTANT FARMHOUSE-DEMOLISHING VIOLENCE!" With his soon-to-be sons thus incapacitated, Doable John decides to get all heroic, lunging for The Angel-Smiting Scimitar Darling Sammy dropped on his way through the retaining wall, and for his troubles gets sent flying through a window, all the way across the backyard, and through a goddamned windmill. "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" Uriel next tosses Dean up against the kitchen cabinets in a fearsome choke hold just as Anna wrenches a length of those boasted-about pure iron fixtures from the wall, after which she rams the thing through Darling Sammy's heretofore remarkably healthy chest! "DEATH!" roars Raoul, delighted to be shrieking such sentiments once more after last week's deeply disappointing excuse for an episode. "DEATH TO SHE WHO WOULD HARM THE HERETOFORE REMARKABLY HEALTHY CHEST!" And I do believe your wish is about to come true, my scaly friend, for a beam of bright white light has just opened over Doable John's battered and broken body out on the lawn, and with the last of his strength, John lifts his head as if to answer a question.

Meanwhile, Sam drops dead for, like, the eightieth time since this show premiered. "EEEEEEE...oh! BORING!" If Anna's gloating over this development, it doesn't show in her expression, but in any event, her triumph is destined to be short-lived, for barely has Sam's latest corpse begun to cool when a male voice calls out her name in low, even tones. Already not liking where this is going, Anna turns slowly to find...Angelically Enhanced John, itching for a smackdown!" "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" "Michael!" Anna whispers, and woof. Erm. I mean: DUN! Or, you know, something like that. Oh, whatever. Angelically Enhanced John is hot. There. I said it. You wanna make something out of it? "I do not!" Good, because what happens next is just mind-bendingly awesome. Without a word, Angelically Enhanced John -- or, as I suppose I should be referring to him from here on out, "Saint Michael The Archangel" -- places a hand on Anna's chest and almost immediately, a horrible brilliance illuminates her face from within. She involuntarily flings her head backwards as white-hot flames shoot from her eyes and, after one last scream, her entire body carbonizes before cracking apart to collapse to the floor in a cascade of ash. Kick ass. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Uriel, aghast, hesitantly steps forward to apologize, but Michael dismisses the errant angel with little more than a snap of his Vessel's fingers, and Uriel instantly vanishes. Michael next presses two gentle fingers against Mary's head, sending her crashing to the floor, unconscious, and it's at this point that Dean's finally recovered enough from his late ass-kicking to hobble out of the farmhouse kitchen to confront his supposed nemesis.

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