Episode Report Card
Demian: B- | 3 USERS: A
The Hardy Boys Wanna Take a Ride on Your Disco Stick

...Dapper Sam's cooling his well-shod heels outside Nonexistent Easter's police station, and that was certainly anticlimactic. "GOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" Ah. It would seem Raoul's still reveling in the pus-filled boils. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Well, I'll just leave him to all of that while I find out what's going on with Our Intrepid Heroes. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Excellent. So, Dean grumbles up in the Impala, dressed in a suit of his own as the LYING LIARS WHO LIE are once again masquerading as FBI agents, but Dapper El Deano must first chide Bendy Lisa's brat over the phone, the better to prove to both Dapper Sam and the audience that he's become a perfectly capable parent over the last year. And because neither Dapper Sam nor the audience gives a shit about any of that, we'll skip ahead to the point wherein Dean condescendingly disparages Sam's Charger with, "You still driving that plastic piece of crap?" "What's your mileage, again?" Sam retorts. "Shaddap," snorts Dean, for Dapper El Deano doesn't go for that touchy-feely self-help environmental crap, bitch.

Inside the morgue, Our Intrepid Heroes rattle off the facts of the case thus far: "Officer Gerald Hatch," a seventeen-year veteran of the force, exploded like a water balloon full of chunky soup during the pre-credits sequence. "GOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" Or, as Dapper Sam would have it, "most of the meat, bones, and dense tissues just turned to blood." "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Victim Number Two is officially known as "Officer Toby Gray," and his rather disgusting death has been attributed to an "extreme allergic reaction." Dapper Sam slides Officer Grey's chilly remains from the cooler so we can all get another really good look at those suppurating boils. "GOOOOOOOOOOOOORE! EEEEEEEEEEEEE! GOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" You're starting to scare me again, Raoul. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Ugh. Anyway, the boys quickly rule out witchcraft, as Dapper Sam found no sign of "hex work" anywhere, so we're off to interview the only surviving witness, "Officer Ed Colfax," who was of course Dead Gerry's horrified and somewhat spattered partner at the top of the hour.

Sam's Charger peels around a corner. Dean's far-superior Impala peels around a closer corner faster, so Dean gets to park directly in front of Chez Colfax, and Sam is forced to wheel up to the curb behind Metallicar. "Were you racing me?" Sam too-casually wonders once the boys have disembarked. "No," Dean scoffs. "I was kicking your ass." Heh. The tussling two-year-olds proceed to Officer Colfax's porch, and when Officer Colfax answers the door, it's immediately obvious he'll soon be joining his colleagues in an early grave, what with his ashen pallor and his slurred speech and his obviously insane insistence upon wearing his full dress uniform at all times and such. "Kill him!" shrieks Raoul, already clapping his expertly honed paws together in anticipatory delight. "KILL HIM!" And in the interest of reaching Officer Colfax's sure-to-be spectacular demise posthaste, we'll cut through the lengthy and rambling scene that follows in favor of touching on the most important points. "Hooray!" Oh, crap. "What!?" I forgot about this fascinating bit. "Rats!" Officer Colfax, you see, has been spending the last couple of days carefully scratching out the faces in every single photograph in his home -- wedding photos, vacation shots, what appears to have been an otherwise lovely rendering of a prison clown -- and is now busily doing the same to his official department portrait. "KILL HIM! KILL THE CRAZY POLICE-TYPE PERSON WITH THE CRAZY POLICE-TYPE CLOWN FETISH!" Long story short, Officers Hatch, Grey, and Colfax are all linked to one "Christopher Birch," whom Officer Colfax describes as "a kid with no face and a planted gun," and Officer Colfax is convinced "God" will not be satisfied until all of the suspiciously connected policemen are dead. Before we learn more about this mysterious Christopher Birch, however, a thin stream of blood emerges from the band of Officer Colfax's dress hat, and proceeds to trail down his sallow cheek. "GOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" Dean's all, "You've got red on you, Ed," so Officer Colfax drags his fingers through the stuff, mumbles something barely coherent about his itchy scalp, and face-plants into the table he'd been sitting at, dead. Dean hears a few chittering noises emanating from the general direction of Dead Ed's head, so Sam flips off the corpse's cap to find...a swarm of locusts, chewing their way out of Ed's skull! "GOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" Oh, that's even more disgusting than the boils. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Though how Dead Ed was able to talk with so much of his brain missing, I'll never know. "GOOOOOOOOOOOOORE! EEEEEEEEEEEEE! GOOOOOOOOOOOOORE! EEEEEEEEEEEEE! Glalalalalalalalaalalalallaaallaaaah!" And there goes Raoul. "Glalalaaaaaah!" And just as Dean's about to hurl, we...

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