Episode Report Card
Demian: B | 2 USERS: A-
The Hardy Boys Do The Ultra-Violent

Dreary Erie. Sam's cell bleats, and it's Dean, and they quickly rehash The Vermont Disappointment before Darling Sammy offers a bit of good news: Frankendoc's formula for eternal life is neither demonic nor black magic, but rather simple science. Or, you know, as simple as Super-Smart Sammy, here, can figure. Unfortunately, just as he's about to spill the details, Frankendoc pinches a chloroformed cloth over his nose and mouth, and Dean's left to bellow "SAMMY!" into nothing more than the METAL TEETH CHOMP!

Frankendoc's Cabin In The Cotton, and we have now entered the Clockwork Orange portion of this evening's entertainment, in which Frankendoc has strapped The Ginormotron down to an operating slab with Darling Sammy's Super-Special Puppy-Dog Eyes taped open a la Malcolm McDowell's in the aforementioned cinematic masterpiece. Well, so I'm told, because I watched that self-indulgent piece of crap once in college and never felt a desire to see it again. I suppose I should mention at this point that Frankendoc's being played by Billy Drago, with whom I am far too familiar from his many, many, many guest appearances on CANCELLED! I didn't mention it before because he hadn't any lines up until this point, and so it was easier to ignore the fact that it's actually him, what with the crazy quilt of replacement body parts the character's got stitched all over what once had been his face, but now that I'm hearing that voice again? Yeah. Shut up, Billy Drago. To his credit, however, he's far less annoying than I thought he'd be when first I saw the guest list for this evening's episode, so that's a plus, I suppose, but still: Shut up, Billy Drago.

Billy Drago of course ignores me and instead -- as Frankendoc, naturally -- assures Darling Sammy by name that the latter's chances of surviving the impending procedure are "very, very high," Sam manages to maintain enough presence of mind to wonder how Frankendoc knows who he is. Of course, Frankendoc found Sucky John's demonic day-planner when he yanked Sam from the motel room, so there's that question answered. Frankendoc also speechifies at length regarding his personal desires, needs, and self-imposed code of conduct, as is habitual with this series's monsters, but none of it's important. Partly because I said so, because Drago's gnawing on the scenery again, but mainly because while he's yammering on like that, he's also sterilizing a melon baller. Yike! "DEATH!" roars Raoul, for he knows where all of this is going. "DEATH TO HIM WHO WOULD HARM THE PUPPY-DOG EYES!" And then he takes the melon baller and he bends down to Sam's left eye with the thing and he gets the edge of it behind the lid and the eye goes instantly bloodshot and... "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!" Raoul shrieks. "NOT THE EYES!" Fortunately for your faithful recapper and his exceedingly distraught lizardly companion, Dashing El Deano arrives at this very moment to aerate Frankendoc's eternal back with a couple of slugs from his pearl-handled automatic. Frankendoc, mildly annoyed, turns to face his attacker with a deeply weary, "Shoot all you want!" Heh. Frankendoc accepts a few more bullets from Dean's gun before he leaps forward and flings Dean across the room into some cabinets. Dean grunts and groans and crashes to the floor, and as Frankendoc leans in for the kill, or whatever, Dean lunges upwards with a lengthy hunting knife he plants firmly into Frankendoc's chest. "What part of 'immortality' do you not understand?" Frankendoc scoffs. One problem for the gloating Frankendoc: Dean coated the knife in chloroform, so it's curtains for Doc Benton. Oh, just go with it. If you can buy that simple science can lead to an immortality that requires occasional replacement parts brutally ripped from unwilling donors, you can believe that a knife coated in chloroform can take out a Frankendoc.

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