Episode Report Card
Demian: C | 5 USERS: A-
The Hardy Boys Schedule Vasectomies. Again.

Imperiled Mommy hurtles through the second-floor hallway, barricades herself in one of the back bedrooms, and snatches up the cordless phone from the nightstand. Alas, the cordless chooses to blare an inexplicable busy signal into Imperiled Mommy's ear rather than a far more soothing dial tone, so there will be no emergency 9-1-1 calls for Imperiled Mommy tonight. By the way, Imperiled Mommy is wearing a blue shirt with a knee-length khaki shirt, which means Imperiled Mommy is a Twitard, which means Imperiled Mommy is already dead to me. "DEATH!" howls Raoul. "DEATH TO SHE WHO WOULD APE BELLA SWAN'S 'FASHION' 'SENSE'!" Raoul! "Yes?!" Sarcastic air quotes amidst the shrieking? "Yes!" You really seem to be on your game tonight. "Thanks!" Also, "ape Bella Swan" was a particularly nice touch. "I'm so pleased you approve!" Now, might I continue? "By all means!" Excellent.

So, Imperiled Mommy tosses the useless cordless aside the instant she hears her unidentified assailant's boots against the hardwood floor out there in the hallway, and she scuttles beneath the bed with her fresh infant, who still has yet to emit so much as a peep during all of this excitement. Nevertheless, Imperiled Mommy gently presses her grue-encrusted palm against her fresh infant's mouth, the better to further muffle the remarkably good-natured infant's ongoing silence. After a few tense moments, the unidentified assailant heads back from whence he came, and Imperiled Mommy allows herself a sigh of relief that quickly turns into a strangled cry of terror when she turns her head to find...Dead Daddy, with his neck sliced open from ear to ear! "GOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" Given how shocked Imperiled Mommy is to see her dead husband, and given how prominently shapeshifters were featured in the THEN!, I'm guessing that grue on Imperiled Mommy's hands came from a shapeshifter molting when she tried to, like, strangle it, or something. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Anyway, Imperiled Mommy admirably pulls it together and stifles herself before that wail of horror alerts her Shapeshifting Assailant to her presence in the back bedroom, and she comforts her still-quiet daughter through a series of choked-back sobs until...her Shapeshifting Assailant drags her off-screen by her feet! And I'm calling bullshit on all of this. We get a pretty clear view of the rest of the room while Imperiled Mommy's wrangling the cordless, and there are no other points of entry, nor are there any immediately apparent places for a Shapeshifter Accomplice to hide. (And a lurking Shapeshifter Accomplice, by the way, is a whole other level of bullshit I don't even want to try to deal with at this point in the recap.) So, who the hell is dragging Imperiled Mommy out from beneath the bed? "Who cares!?" shrieks Raoul. "We want her dead! DIE, YOU BADLY DRESSED WRETCH! DIE!" Raoul apparently gets his wish, for as the camera focuses in on the still-silent and somewhat wriggly infant beneath the bed, that off-screen series of moist, squishy-sounding thunks now hitting the soundtrack makes me think howling Imperiled Mommy's being run through an antique knee splitter. And howling Imperiled Mommy's screams echo through the room until...

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