Two Minutes To Midnight

Episode Report Card
Demian: B+ | 3 USERS: A+
The Hardy Boys Cut Their Meat and Lick the Gravy
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Rattle, Rattle THEN! Adam Milligan got trapped in Heaven's Green Room with the rapidly descending Archangel Michael, Castiel obliterated himself with an Angel-B-Gon sigil he most awesomely carved into his own chest, the recently deceased Archangel Gabriel sent Our Intrepid Heroes a posthumous message regarding Lucifer's divinely wrought cage and the role The Horsemen's rings play in locking it, Crowley offered to lead Our Intrepid Heroes to Pestilence, Niveus Pharmaceuticals planned to unleash the Croatoan virus upon the planet by tampering with a vaccine for Mexican Influenza, Capital-D Death rose at Lucifer's bidding in Carthage shortly before Thanksgiving, Crowley proposed "borrowing" Bobby's soul in order to triangulate Capital-D Death's current coordinates, Darling Sammy drunk-dialed Bobby to discuss an Apocalypse-ending plan of stupendously asinine proportions, and wow. That THEN! was pretty damn plot-tastic, wouldn't you say? Let's see if the episode itself manages to do the same.

Rattle, Rattle NOW! The NOW! creeps towards the front of the screen, only to vanish in a cross-fade that lands on the nighttime fa├žade of the Serenity Valley Convalescent Home in Davenport, Iowa -- Quad Cities represent! -- after which we head inside to one of the patient's rooms. "Doctor Green!" the fragile-looking woman on the bed smiles as her as-yet-unseen physician enters from the hall. "How was your trip?" "Very productive," the good doctor answers with a grin in his voice, and once he crosses the room to perch on the edge of her bed and take her hands in his, the camera reverses to reveal...Pestilence! Looking rather homey and avuncular and not like a plague-carrying Horseman Of The Apocalypse at all! DUN! "And how are we tonight, Celeste?" Doctor Pestilence asks with large amounts of false sincerity and concern coloring his tone. "The nurse says you can't sleep?" "Oh, I just feel worse and worse," Mortally Imperiled Celeste wearily complains. "Well," Doctor Pestilence cheerfully explains as he dons his reading glasses, "that's because you're suffering from a combination of the common cold, Dengue fever, and a nasty, nasty case of Japanese encephalitis!" "I'm...sorry?" Rapidly Deteriorating Celeste murmurs, thinking she misheard him, but Doctor Pestilence confirms his diagnosis with a grin, then passes a hand across her face. Instantly, a constellation of ragged red blisters erupts across her wan skin as Doctor Pestilence realizes, "You never had chicken pox as a child!" "This," he promises, giddy as a schoolgirl, "is going to be fascinating!" "But, how could I...?" Quickly Fading Celeste murmurs, barely able to get the words out at this point. "Have all those diseases at once?" Doctor Pestilence finishes for her. "Well, it's a proprietary blend," he happily explains. "I mix it up in a Petri dish, the Petri dish!" "Are you gonna cure me?" Soon-To-Be-Dead Celeste whispers, drawing a frail hand to her hyperventilating chest. "No," Doctor Pestilence replies. "You're going to die -- in 4, 3, 2..." "HUAAAACK!" A fluorescent green spray of split pea soup thwacks Doctor Pestilence on the side of his face as Almost Totally Dead Celeste horks up several severely diseased internal organs before allowing her head to drop limply to one side on her pillow, by now most thoroughly deceased. "Interesting," Doctor Pestilence observes, yet another sly grin tugging at the corner of his mouth right before the audience gets thwacked on the side of the face with the...

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