Two Minutes To Midnight

Episode Report Card
Demian: B+ | 3 USERS: A+
The Hardy Boys Cut Their Meat and Lick the Gravy

"Why'd you take a picture?" Bobby growls. "Why'd you have to use tongue?" Crowley wonders in return, and ew! Hee! Ew! Hee! Ew! "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" In any event, Crowley intends to hang onto Bobby's soul for insurance purposes, as even a supposed rageaholic like The Ginormotron won't try to off him as long as he's got Bobby's business in his deposit box. And with that matter settled, we head back outside to watch as Dean digs around in Metallicar's bottomless trunk, searching for the most appropriate implements of demonic destruction to deploy in the impending fight with Death. Digging, digging, digging, and stop! The Ginormomope lumbers over and leans heavily against the Impala's side with a sigh. "Lemme guess," Dean begins. "We're about to have a talk?" Heh. They are, indeed, and because the talk they're about to have involves nothing more than Sam's patently stupid plan to end The Apocalypse, I'll fast-forward past it all until we hit the part where Crowley rudely interrupts Our Intrepid Heroes' deeply felt heart-to-heart to push a newspaper into Sam's gigantic mitts. "There's something you need to see," he tells them, pointing at one article in particular. Sam reads aloud that, in order to "stem the tide of the unprecedented outbreak," Niveus Pharmaceuticals is rushing delivery on its newest vaccine for Mexican Influenza, with "simultaneous nationwide distribution" set to begin this coming Wednesday. And then, because Our Intrepid Heroes are actually Our Intrepid Morons, they stare dumbly at the demon until Crowley's forced to explain what the audience already knows about the vaccine's Croatoan-laced contents. "You two are lucky you have your looks," Crowley eyerolls. He also counsels them to "stock up on everything" "because this time next Thursday, [they'll] all be living in Zombieland." D'OH!

"Chicago, Illinois," which is the same exterior set they used for "Kansas City, Missouri," with a CGI'd El train stuck in overhead. Ooops. As Jen Titus's version of "O Death" enters on the soundtrack, an absolutely gorgeous 1959 Cadillac Coupe DeVille wheels its way down the street, and as the lovely and talented (and delightfully named) ickypooyucky so helpfully pointed out on the forum boards while so many were busy screaming "MEAN TO DEAN": Oh, show. Oh, clever, clever show. The Death Car is, of course, being driven by Capital-D Death himself, though I find myself wondering why so august a personage would not avail himself of a chauffeur. "The crippling cost of employee insurance?!" Raoul coyly suggests, and I see what you did there, friend of friends. "Hee!" In any event, Death expertly guides the absolutely gorgeous 1959 Cadillac Coupe DeVille over to the curb and disembarks, and he's being played by Julian Richings, whom I recognize from The Red Violin, because I am a freak who has seen The Red Violin at least fifty times, but whom others are most likely to recognize from Kingdom Hospital. It's pretty flawless casting based on looks alone and, as we shall soon see, it remains pretty flawless casting once actual acting ability is taken into account. So, Death unobtrusively joins the crowds on the sidewalk, where a furiously texting yuppie rudely bumps into him. "Watch where you're walking!" snaps the yuppie, and that is a very bad move on the yuppie's part, indeed, for when Death smoothes the slightly mussed shoulder of his coat, the snappish texting yuppie suffers a massive coronary and drops dead right there in the middle of the sidewalk. Would that we all had that power over similar assholes on our own sidewalks. "Hooray for Death!" Indeed.

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