Episode Report Card
Demian: B+ | 2 USERS: B+
The Hardy Boys Have This Condition

Zombie Grandpa and Slutty Sam race on over with a couple of machetes at the ready, but they're far too late to be of any use. Good thing, then, that Slutty Sam activated the GPS in Sheriff Monster Chow's phone. Unfortunately, Zombie Grandpa chooses this moment to get lippy about Slutty Sam's nonexistent moral compass, given the fact that Slutty Sam just used Sheriff Monster Chow as bait, and after putting up with Zombie Grandpa's nonexistent moral compass for the entire first half of this season, all I can say to that is this: Take your fucking qualms and shove them up your goddamned ass, Grandpa. "Demian!" Oh, don't you start with me. You know you hate that guy as much as I do. "Hee! You are correct!" Then, may I continue? "By all means!" Good.

Zombie Grandpa's S&M Party Van chugs up to that ancient dock house from the pre-credits sequence, and he and Slutty Sam disembark to wade through the parking lot's mud puddles until they hit that narrow little weedy boardwalk. They enter, machetes once again at the ready, and are soon hacking their way through sheets of webbing until they stumble upon at least four cocooned corpses littering the main dock house floor. Zombie Grandpa kneels beside one of them and carefully pulls back the webbing to reveal the still-bespectacled face of James Edward Drake. One problem: James Edward Drake is still alive. DUN! James Edward Drake gasps and flops about on the floor while the other cocoons begin to wriggle around in the throes of sympathetic agony, and one of them even bleats, "Help me!" Nice touch. Slutty Sam staggers back into a cocoon neither of them had noticed before, and of course, it's Sheriff Monster Chow. Barely has Slutty Sam split open the webbing to reveal Sheriff Monster Chow's face, though, when tonight's Special Guest Beast slinks up from behind to pimp-smack him into the far wall. "VIOLENCE!" shrieks Raoul, positively ecstatic to be getting some of the good stuff again, even if it is so goddamned late in the game. Slutty Sam recovers fairly quickly, and he boots tonight's Special Guest Beast in her stomach just as Zombie Grandpa opens fire on the thing from behind. "WANTON ACTS OF UNREPENTANT SPECIAL GUEST BEAST SLAUGHTERING VIOLENCE!" The very first round plows straight through the Special Guest Beast's torso to embed itself in Slutty Sam's heretofore remarkably healthy arm, thus explaining his injury at the top of the hour. "GOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" The other rounds from Zombie Grandpa's revolver also pass through the Special Guest Beast's body with no apparent effect, so Slutty Sam snatches up his trusty machete and lops her head off. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Worth the wait, Raoul? "AIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" I'll take that as a yes.

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