Episode Report Card
Demian: B+ | 2 USERS: B+
The Hardy Boys Have This Condition

In any event, where the hell was I? Oh, yes: Just as Spider-Cop tells Brenette how much he loves her, the phone rings, and it's Sam, calling to make amends for shooting her husband in the face last year, so Brenette invites the boys over for some tea and biscotti. Or something like that.

Moments later, the Impala grumbles up in front of Chez Spider-Cop, and the boys step out into the driving snow with their trusty machetes at the ready, because something in Brenette's tone of voice during their last conversation indicated that something's not quite right at Chez Spider-Cop. The two are about to bust in the front door when eagle-eyed Dean spots a light on in the shed, so Our Intrepid Heroes tippy-toe on over through the snow, and they enter the shed to find Brenette crouched behind a filing cabinet, weeping. "What you did to Roy," she mewls, barely able to look up at Sam, "is it true?" Before Sam gets a chance to answer, however, Spider-Cop swings in from points unknown to boot Dreary El Deano through an expanse of fisherman's netting and into the utility shed's far wall. "VIOLENCE!" Dean slumps to the floor, barely conscious, so it's Darling Sammy's turn to get smacked around for a bit. "VIOLENCE!" And when it's over, Spider-Cop hoists Darling Sammy into the air by his throat and sneers, "Answer the question!" "EEEEEEEE-eep! Oh, my! I see what you mean! That makeup is appalling!" You know I'd never lie to you, Raoul. Also: METAL TEETH CHOMP!

Shed Of The Spider-Cop. Aftermath. Darling Sammy and Dreary El Deano awake to find themselves encased in massive balls of cotton wool with Spider-Cop and his bride standing triumphantly above them, and let the speechifying commence! Well, actually, let's pretend the speechifying never happened, and that the next few minutes are filled with nothing but manly tussling until Our Intrepid Heroes free themselves from their massive cotton balls and lop off Spider-Cop's head. The end! "Hooray!"

Oh, fine: Spider-Cop exposits at length that tonight's Special Guest Beast was actually in town to -- you guessed it -- breed, and her venom in fact began a transformation process in each of her victims that somehow rendered them all impervious to both gunshots and fire, so after Slutty Sam and Zombie Grandpa left, Spider-Cop and the other four guys skulked off into the night to lick at their wounds and plot their revenge. In the meantime, they also managed to turn any number of unsuspecting Rhode Island lassies into spiders, themselves -- including the four brunettes Sam nailed during his last visit -- so when Slutty Sam punched his way out of Bristol twelve months ago, he actually left behind an ever-expanding nest of human arachnids in his wake. Ooops. Now, Spider-Cop plans to exact vengeance first by turning his bride, then by turning Our Intrepid Heroes. Fortunately, while Spider-Cop was so busy falling in love with the sound of his own voice, Devious El Deano managed to grab hold of a sliver of shattered glass, and once he's sliced himself free from his cotton ball, the manly tussling finally -- finally -- begins. It doesn't take much for Spider-Cop to wrestle Dreary El Deano into a chokehold, though, so it's up to Brenette to free Darling Sammy, who then grabs one of the temporarily discarded machetes, and WHACK! "GOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" Spider-Cop's headless body jerks around for a bit before collapsing onto the shed's concrete floor, and after the camera offers us one last, lingering shot of Spider-Cop's lolling head -- "GOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" -- the boys plus Brenette pant and gasp and wheeze their collective way into this evening's final, CHOMP!-less commercial break.

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