Episode Report Card
Demian: B+ | 2 USERS: B+
The Hardy Boys Have This Condition

Thunder rumbles overhead in the darkness for a moment until the camera snaps open on a far-distant overhead shot of an ancient dock house. Rain streaks down from the gloomy nighttime sky as Soulless Sammy and Zombie Grandpa emerge onto the narrow, weedy boardwalk, and the camera tracks down to meet them as they power towards us, with Soulless Sammy asking Zombie Grandpa if the latter's okay. "Yeah," Zombie Grandpa replies before wondering how Soulless Sammy's heretofore remarkably healthy arm is doing. "It'll hold 'til we get outta town," Soulless Sammy mutters, never once breaking his stride, somewhat comically forcing Zombie Grandpa into an ungainly old-guy hustle just to keep up with him. "Don't bleed out, all right?" Zombie Grandpa pants, and as Soulless Sammy smirks, "That's the plan," the camera jumps in close to examine the wet gash torn through his sleeve for a moment before leaping ahead to land on...

...Zombie Grandpa's S&M Party Van chewing up a stretch of slick asphalt somewhere remote. Unfortunately for them, a trailing prowler activates its lights and siren mere moments before they cross out of the city limits, so Zombie Grandpa has little choice but to pull over to the side of the road. Soulless Sammy shoots a foul side-eye at the prowler's reflection in the rear-view mirror before adopting a far more neutral expression, and the two sit and wait in the dark until the lantern-jawed deputy sheriff who'd been tailing them emerges from his car to blind them with the beam from his flashlight. "Agent Roark?" barks the deputy. "Agent Wynand? Mind stepping out of the van a moment?" It is, of course, more of a sharp order than a polite request, and the faux-cheery smile Zombie Grandpa plastered across his face in anticipation of this confrontation dies a little as he complies, stepping down to the pavement to LIE, "We were just on our way to the office." "Everything okay?" he too-casually adds. "No!" the snippy little deputy sheriff sniffs before going on to complain, "I can't get Sheriff Dobbs on the phone -- I can't get anyone!" Zombie Grandpa hastens to bust out some sort of lame excuse, but the snippy deputy cuts this off quick when his flashlight lands on the gruesome tear in Soulless Sammy's sleeve. "Is that blood?" the snippy deputy spits. It is, indeed, and there's a whole lot more where that came from: The entire right side of Soulless Sammy's remarkably healthy neck seems to have been painted with the stuff, in fact. "GOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" shrieks Raoul, no longer able to contain himself and writhing about atop his overstuffed armchair with delight despite yours truly's earlier admonition to remain silent until we hit the title card. "Oh, I do apologize, I'm sure!" Raoul shrieks again. "But I simply can't help myself! It makes him look so manly! EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" That's okay, hon -- you go ahead and shriek yourself into a tizzy while I carry on with the scene, okay? "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Okay.

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