Episode Report Card
Cindy McLennan: B- | 10 USERS: A-
The Hardy Boys Dick Around

As Dr. Johnson goes about opening up Frank -- noisily -- Sam and Dean struggle to hold down their lunches. Dr. Johnson asks if it's their first dead body. Dean says, "Far from it," but he's more familiar with the fresh kill, whereas Frank's been dead three days, and is a wee bit ripe. As Dr. Johnson cuts through Frank's ribs -- noisily -- Dean notices a ring mark on Frank's left hand, and comments that he didn't think Frank was married. Disappointed, Dean? I thought it was just Sam who did the deed with the dead, or at least the possessed. Dr. Johnson just says, "Not my department." Coroners get tenure? The hand, by the way, is all dinged up. There are black scuff marks on the knuckles and some red abrasions, too. The underside of the forearm is a complete mess, but things are about to get messier. Dr. Johnson can't find any blockages, so he rips out Frank's heart -- noisily -- pronounces it pretty damned healthy (you know, except for the dead part) and hands the heart to Dean. Sammy smirks a smidge too soon. What better to wipe off that smirk than Dean's fist? Well, the fist is busy -- Frank's heart is a two-hander -- so the good doctor gives Sam's face a spleen juice spritz. -- noisily. Dean smiles the cocky smile of the cocky, which will mean more later. Don't get prickly with me, just yet. Dr. Johnson doesn't make much of the injuries to Frank's arms and hands, and says sometimes when people drop dead, they really do drop, but this guy's appendages are pretty well shredded, so I think that's just the tenure talking.

At the local Sheriff's Department, Dean and Sam talk to Deputy Linus NoLastName, whom we'll call Deputy Linus Johnson. He's as cute as a button. Nay, he's as cute as a button's button. Sheriff Al Britton emerges from his office, and is embarrassed that Deputy Johnson took his "Do not disturb" orders so seriously that he kept Feds waiting. Closed Caption readers are treated to some lyrics from Waylon Jennings' "Slow Rollin' Low," which is not audible in the episode. The Sheriff calls the boys back to his office, but makes them take off their shoes before they enter. He's shoeless as well. Inside, he introduces himself and then makes liberal use of his hand sanitizing lotion, and is it just me, or does it seem like the sound crew is planning to submit this episode for Emmy consideration? Gurgle slick rip squick blurghhhhh. Sam and Dean find the shoelessness and the hand-sanitizing amusing, but they cover well enough. They inquire about Frank. After he didn't answer his phone for a few days, the Sheriff's men found him dead in his home (which doesn't seem a likely place to incur such hand injuries -- although this summer, I did break my nose in my own bathroom -- talk about your Bloody Mary). It seems Sheriff Al had been BFFs with dearly departed Frank since high school, and he's clearly affected as he laments his loss. "Hell, we were Game Cocks." Dean hears this as joking or bragging, and laughs -- all alone. Awkward. The Sheriff is not amused. "That was our Soft Ball team's name." Dean's still composing himself, so the Sheriff says, "They're majestic animals." The Sheriff goes on to say that Frank was a good man, and Dean says, "Mmm. Big heart." Ha. Sam glares at him and turns his attention to the Sheriff. "Before he died, did you notice Frank acting strange? Maybe scared of something?" The Sheriff says, "Hell yeah. Real jumpy," but he doesn't know what scared him. The Sheriff coughs and re-sanitizes his hands as he asks why the Feds give a crap. The boys, being LYING LIARS WHO LIE, lie and say that it was probably just a heart attack.

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