Episode Report Card
Demian: B- | 4 USERS: A+
And The Hardy Boys Shall Make You Free

Morgue. As the unreasonably cheerful mortician wheels out Dead Doctor Paul, Secretly Evil Sammy notes he'd like to examine the remains of all of the suicides brought in over the last two weeks. The unreasonably cheerful mortician would be more than delighted to show Secretly Evil Sammy any corpse the latter wishes to see, I'm sure, but there's one teensy-tiny little problem: "They're all already gone." "As in 'transferred'?" Secretly Evil Sammy guesses. "Not exactly," the unreasonably cheerful mortician hedges. "They're gone," he repeats. "As in, gone gone?" Secretly Evil Sammy eyebrows. The unreasonably cheerful mortician nods, the smile falling from his face for the very first time this scene. Secretly Evil Sammy mulls this piece of particularly bizarre news for a very long moment until the camera cuts over to...

...Wenzel's Pub, where Dean downs a slug of whiskey while absently watching the rather stiffly coiffed local investigative journalist on the bar's television. This "Ashley Frank" person's about to launch herself into a new report when the strikingly attractive barmaid stops by to see if Dean's ready for another round. "No thanks -- I'm working," he replies, just as his cell phone starts bleating in his pocket. It's Secretly Evil Sammy, of course, calling with word of the missing corpses. However, he does have a bit of good news: The first missing corpse came in a full week before the officially designated suicides began, and while that unfortunate was originally classified as the victim of a car accident, Secretly Evil Sammy's pretty sure she offed herself, too. He's at this "Patient Zero's" apartment now, intending to investigate, and he orders Dean on over there, pronto, before hanging up. Dean stares blankly at his phone for a second, then calls the strikingly attractive barmaid over for another round. "Thought you were working!" she smiles, and he attempts a half-hearted joke before tiredly wiping his eyes with his hands. "You okay?" the barmaid asks. "Not really," Dean admits, so she kindly informs him that this round's on her. "Anything else I can get you?" she wonders. The camera zooms in for an extreme close-up on The Ducky Lips Of Doom as Dean intones, "I'd just like the freaking truth." A tiny little sparkly flourish hits the soundtrack as he utters that sentence's central word, so we know the wacky supernatural hijinks will abound during everything that follows. As if on cue, the strikingly attractive barmaid blurts, "Sometimes I think I can't get pregnant because God knows my marriage is a sham." Dean's eyes widen a bit at that as the barmaid immediately blinks, "Why'd I say that? I mean, I've been snorting Oxy all day..." Dean's eyes widen further as the barmaid blinks once more, "Why'd I say that?" Dean gets this hilarious "Oh, crap!" expression on his face and sighs, "I'm pretty sure I know," right before the METAL TEETH CHOMP! arrives to drag his prettily cursed self into this evening's next commercial break.

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