The Practice
Fire Proof

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Fire's burning, fire's burning

Previously on the The Practice: Kenny Walsh holds Helen captive in an elevator so he can rip her case out from under her. Then he pulls rank, tries to slip in some evidence he really wasn't supposed to at trial, and loses his case due to a technical issue. Oh, and Helen testifies against him at a hearing. So, you can only imagine how strained the relationship is between Helen and her so-called boss.

Suffering County Courthouse Where They Borrow Shots From Their Textbook Of Pain. Jimmy barrels down the hallway toward a meeting room in the courthouse. Rod follows close behind. Wham! The Lump opens the door. He yells, "Art! What the hell is going on?" "Art" tells Jimmy to take it easy. Bobby takes issue with that: "You take it easy. Trial starts tomorrow. Why is our co-defendant talking to the D.A.?" Wait for it. Pause. Art looks at the two of them and says, "He's cutting a deal." What? He can't do that! Jimmy whines, "Our joint defense was all mapped out." Art tells the D-Fence Duo that he simply called out of "courtesy." Jimmy doesn't care. He tells Art that his client is innocent. Art looks down at him, purses his lips, and tries to hold up the bags threatening to topple his eyes. "And mine's pleading guilty." Pause. "Sorry, Jimmy, that's just how it is." Art tries to take a step away. Jimmy doesn't let him. He needs to know what the Turncoat is saying about his client. Wow. Art has the whole lip-pursing thing down to an art form. He says nothing. He just walks away into an elevator that I've never seen before. Bobby scowls at Jimmy. Aw, poor Emperor. He's really missing his new clothes.

The Client Room Where They Burn With Pain. There is a television with a VCR in this particular client room. On the screen, we see one hell of a fire. The entire building is engulfed in flames. It's burning ferociously. We hear Mr. Tucker whisper, "So. Hot. She sucked the air right out of my lungs." Smoke billows. We see Tucker, finally. He's staring at the television like he's obsessed with the fire. Tucker looks like a combination of Billy Bob Thornton and Clint Eastwood. His voice is all horny, like he's on the other end of a phone prank-calling fifteen-year-old girls about what colour their panties are. He's that creepy-looking. "I did play with matches as a boy. Then you get older and you need it to last." He looks back at the screen and says, "Give her air and she'll come big for you! She'll come big! Jesus! Will you look at that?" Helen snaps off the tape and tosses the remote control on the table. She snaps, "You disgust me." Walsh warns, "Helen." She's not listening. She's focused on The Pervert Of Non-Fire Prevention. This guy is totally an enemy of Smokey the Bear. Helen: "We want the jury to believe you, not to be sickened by you. Do you think you can manage that?" Tucker The-Fire-Um-Something-That-Rhymes-With-Pucker responds, "I love the new haircut. It makes you look like my ex-wife." Helen is about to jump in and verbally bash the fellow when Walsh, of course, steps in. Because he can't stand not controlling a case from beginning, through the middle, right up until the end. "Mr. Tucker." Yes. Mr. Walsh. "A night watchman died in that fire, co-operating against your co-defendant is the only way you avoid a life sentence. Take this seriously." Tucker looks back at Helen, imagining all the ways he could set her on fire, and replies, "Yes. Mr. Walsh." Pause. "I said I'd testify against Ronald D'Ambrosio and I will." Pause. "He hired me to burn down his business. He's guilty. The jury will believe me." Blah they'll convict him blah. Tucker hears The Dance Of The Fire Fairies in the background. They capture his attention, so he asks to get back to his tape. Because they leave all dangerous criminals prone to set fires alone in room with lots of electrical equipment. Yawn.

The Credits. Do you think that if we filed a missing person's report on Hunky D.A., someone might care to find him for us?

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The Practice

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