The Practice
Life Sentence

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Life Sentence

After more commercials, it's dark. So dark, in fact, that I can't find my Maalox. Lucy and Rebecca are leading Bobby somewhere. He's blindfolded. It sounds like they're walking outside. Bobby, with typical good humour and forbearance, complains, "All right, enough is enough. What the hell's going on?" Rebecca claims it's his bachelor party; Bobby objects that guys are supposed to throw bachelor parties. Lucy tells him that they just wanted to make sure he got one. "You know, sometimes weddings can just sneak up on you." Rebecca leans behind Bobby to smack Lucy. Lucy, of course, yells, "Ow!" Bobby asks what happened; Lucy informs him that Rebecca hit her. He asks again where he is; Rebecca turns him around to re-orient him. She tells Lucy to "give the signal" and allows Bobby to take his blindfold off. As he does, a huge bank of fluorescent lights comes on, which practically blind him. When he regains his vision, he looks around and we can see that he's in Fenway Park. For those of you who are even more ignorant of sports that I am, if that's even remotely possible, it's a very famous baseball park in Boston, where the Red Sox play. Bobby says, "What am I doing here?" Rebecca says, "Well, you're doing what everybody does in Fenway Park." Lucy says, "You're eloping." Bobby says, "Excuse me?" They turn him around, so that he can see Princess, where she's standing a fair distance away, on what I take to be the pitcher's mound. (Yes, I really am this ignorant about sports. Ask anybody.) She's wearing an off-the-shoulder sleeveless white satin dress with a beaded scoop neck and a full skirt. It's not the worst bridal gown I've ever seen, not by a long shot. Her hair is pulled back, she's wearing a veil which is attached to the middle of the back of her head, and she's carrying flowers. You know, the usual. Bobby looks stunned. He whispers, "Oh, my God. Oh, my God." Lindsay walks slowly toward him. They should have hired the organist to play that cheesy ball park music. I don't know if it's got a name. Most of you probably know what I'm talking about. ["Dum dum dum DUM dum DUM -- CHARGE! There you go." -- Sars] Anyway, as she treks toward him, he asks if this is for real. She says smugly, "If you want it to be." I don't like the way they did her hair for this. As she gets close to him, you think he'd embrace her or take her hand or something, but just then he notices the priest walking up and runs over to shake his hand. I know I've seen the priest on the show before, but I can't remember in what context. Is this the guy Bobby dealt with during the case where his friend's daughter murdered her newborn baby and hid it in the closet? I don't know. Anyway, Bobby asks him if he "can do this," meaning marry them (aren't all priests empowered to do that?); the priest says he got special permission from the Bishop. Bobby inquires, "And this would be official?" Lucy says, "Like Pearl Harbour." I know what she meant, but that was an inane way to say it. What else is new? Rebecca shushes her. Lindsay explains herself: "I figured we could have a more traditional ceremony later, with families and close friends." So, about three more people than will be here this evening? Why not just have Bobby's father and your parents here now and get it over with? ["Couldn't somebody have called Mr. Donnell? Or is he forever stuck to cleaning washrooms?" -- ragdoll] Lindsay continues, "Tonight, I thought you might like to pitch for the Red Sox. I'll catch." I'll be sick. Bobby smiles. The priest tries to hustle things along by reminding them that he's got a flight at ten o'clock. Bobby's back in control mode: "You're not rushing. I want you to do this right."

Just then, Helen, Ellenor, Eugene, and Jimmy come running up. Jimmy yells, "Hold on!" Helen, in a weirdly high-pitched squeal, asks, "Did we miss it?" Rebecca says, "You're about to," and gestures to them to hurry up. Helen stands in a cluster with Rebecca and Lucy on Princess' right, and Ellenor, Jimmy and Eugene stand on Bobby's left. Jimmy points, "Look, they're on the scoreboard!" We get a shot of them on the Jumbotron thingy. The priest begins, "Now, this obviously is not a cathedral known for its happy endings, but Fenway Park certainly is the symbol of a deep, lifelong commitment to joy . . . and of pain." Bobby gives the priest an annoyed, "Father . . ." The priest gets on with the vows. Bobby goes first, eventually taking over without the usual prompting from the priest, claiming that he's been memorizing the vows for a long time. Whatever. Princess is misty-eyed. The priest gets Lindsay through her vows. Strangely, Bobby doesn't seem to have required her to promise to obey him, even though you know he would have loved that. The priest asks if they have a ring; Lindsay says, "Not yet." The priest abuses the powers vested in him ("under the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, under God, and, I suppose, under the Boston Red Sox") to pronounce these two "man and wife." Ugh. Strangely, no one has thought to bring a camera. That's the sort of thing I figured Lucy would have been all over. Speaking of her, as Bobby and Lindsay swap spit, she remarks, "I guess that means he's off the market now." It sounds like Helen makes a tortured little sound in response to that. Everybody cheers and claps as they kiss. They tell each other quietly, "I love you." Lucy asks, "Hey, do we all get to go on the honeymoon?" Um, ew. Bobby says, "One toast: Thank you all for being here. It probably goes without saying, which is good because I never say it, but you people are my best friends." Maybe you should treat them that way. God help your enemies. "You mean the world to me, and uh . . . this woman . . . she is my world. And . . . people shouldn't cry at baseball fields." Lindsay beams, misty-eyed. Everybody hugs it out. We see them all leave the field. I'm grateful at least that we were spared the agony of an insufferable, big-ass wedding. This seems like it would have been a good place to leave the season finale, but DEK has other ideas.

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The Practice

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