The Practice
The Candidate, Part I

Episode Report Card
Ragdoll: C | Grade It Now!
When all your friends are murderers

Ten Minutes Later in the Senator's Pit of Personal Hell. Cop cars with their lights flashing fill up the driveway. All of the outside lights are on. There are massive numbers of uniform cops bagging and tagging evidence. Detective Mike has broken out a new grey suit for this season. The Emperor Rod makes his first appearance. And, glory to the heavens on high, he's not screaming -- he's whispering, "What happened?" Ellenor doesn't exactly know. Rod squares his shoulders and wonders if Keith told her anything. She responds, "Only that I don't want to know." Her educated guess is that the Senator shot Dead Man. Bam. The family, all dressed now, is seated on a lovely couch and looking very upset. Helen "The Bile Also Rises" Gamble approaches the defense attorney and asks if they can take a walk. Blah walking dee talking blah. Helen: They are refusing to give statements. Ellenor: They are choosing not to give statements. Helen: Kind of makes them look suspicious. Blah constitutional dee rights blah. Helen interrupts because she can. "Ellenor. I can't accept anyone's version of the events if no one gives me one." Her bony arms are crossed over her bony boobs. Where her bony elbows stick out like right-angle rulers. Ping: Ellenor says the burden is on the state to figure out what happened this fateful night. Pong: Helen thinks that because Keith is the Senator, he might want to help them along. Ping: Ellenor thinks she's wrong. Pong: Helen tries to make Ellenor think she's got a conflict of interest. Ping: The defense attorney doesn't fall for that one. Ellenor is Venus and Helen is Serena. It's a bloody battle to the end. Helen: "You're not going to let any of them talk to us?" Correct. Detective Mike wanders up and asks how everyone is "doin.'" Because he thinks he wandered back into his regular paying gig off the set of The Sopranos. Helen sighs. Then she tells him to arrest the Senator and take his wife into custody. Ellenor wants to know why they're taking both husband and wife if they're only arresting Ellison.

Judge Finkle's Chambers. The judge looks like Sydney Pollack. "As a material witness?" He sits down in his chair. It creaks under his weight. Apparently, under "extraordinary" circumstances, the state can take a witness into custody. Helen postulates that the Senator caught Dead Man in bed with Marsha and blew his head off. The judge snaps, "What are your circumstances for taking Mrs. Ellison into custody?" Helen thinks Marsha's concealing evidence that she's going to destroy the minute she gets out of custody. Both Ellenor and the judge want to know what the hell Helen "Sleepless In Seriousness" Gamble is thinking. Okay, she's after the semen that would be in Marsha, because it's necessary for the state to establish that they were actually in bed together. Ellenor gets snippy: "What exactly are you asking for?" Well, the state wants to do a rape kit. Ellenor snaps, "A vaginal search?" Helen counter-snaps, "A full-body search for hairs and fibers." Huh, that's pretty horrible. Ellenor thinks Helen's being way too sneaky; she's trying to force Marsha to testify against her husband, or else be violated by a medical technician. They bicker over immunity for Marsha. Ellenor slits her eyes at Helen and barks about how she's not making any deals until she's no longer under the threat of coercion by the district attorney. Yeah, and the state has no right to do an invasive search when she's the suspect's wife, who, by all rights, should have spousal privilege. Hum, Helen objects -- apparently, bodily fluids do not count as testimony. Gamble has really sunk to new lows here. This is as pathetic as it is disgusting. The two women start screaming. Blah privacy issues alone are outweighed by the state's need to solve a homicide; blah the evidence expires after tonight; blah. I can't believe that after all my complaining last season, they still haven't fixed Helen's smudgy eyeliner. She looks like a hung-over Bebe Buell on her way to a fashion shoot after partying all night long with Mick Jagger. The judge argues something about Marsha suing Helen for misconduct. Yawn. Helen's a piranha. She wants the fluids. Maybe she'll put them in jars and keep them for posterity. Maybe she'll open a museum dedicated to pathetic ploys of pseudo-justice. The judge caves. Helen gets her search, and even though Ellenor appeals, he won't interfere with the proceedings.

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The Practice




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