Top Chef
Blind Confusion

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Jicama Dickama Dock

At the Latin grocery, teams grab stuff, and Miguel speaks Spanish to the people behind the counter. Stephen has a hard time communicating. Awesome. Every time I see Stephen in a chef's coat, I have this urge to get my Albuterol refilled.

Back at the house, the cheftestants play. They drink. Miguel and Dave face off for a taste-off. It's all junk food. It's all good. They have five minutes to identify twenty snacks. I love it. I LOVE IT! They get Whoppers, pork and beans, Lucky Charms, KC Masterpiece BBQ Sauce, cold pizza, chocolate donut, Hidden Valley Ranch dressing (beauty shot of the bottle), and Doritos. The other cheftestants nearly wet their pants -- even Stephen! -- with the hilarity of it all. Lee Anne announces that Miguel, a.k.a. Chunk Le Funk, is the winner of their Fat-Ass Snackmaster Challenge. Miguel asks Dave to share the honors with him, and they both hold a can of pork and beans aloft. "For all the fat people across America -- you too can be a Grand Master of the snacks!" Miguel chortles.

Next day. The cheftestants prep. Lee Anne and Stephen are making a Char Siu Pork and Pickled Asian Slaw (the Chinese) served with Avocado Cream in a Sope (cornmeal) Tart Shell (the Latin). They have to provide food for over two hours straight, so they made eighty portions. They're also making a virgin mojito with lychee juice. Not original, but fabulously tasty. Harold and Lisa are doing Seared Tuna with Daikon (Japanese radish) Sprouts (Japanese) and a Jicama and Avocado Salad (Latin). Harold nicely gives Lisa tips on not overchopping (and therefore blackening) her herbs. Dave and Tiffani are doing a Curry Pork with Stone Fruit Chutney (Moroccan) with Flour Gorditas, Pickled Carrots, and Red Onion (Latin). Dave explains they're doing a take on the Cubano sandwich. For Moroccan-Latino, I definitely would have done some sort of take on a classic basteeya. You'd keep the powdered sugar and cinnamon-dusted phyllo pie, but you'd fill it with minced chile-lime chicken. Plus, wrapped up on that flaky phyllo crust would make it perfect street food. Tiffani tells us that Dave has a tendency to freak out. Really? Miguel and Andrea are doing a burrito composed of Masala Chicken and Spiced Lentils (Indian) and a Flour Tortilla and Spanish Rice. Sounds good. Sounds easy. But somehow their rice gets all fucked up. It's boiling and then it's hard and Colicchio comes in to make superior faces when he tastes it. Colicchio reminds us that if Andrea fucks up, Miguel is the ousted one because of Andrea's immunity. Colicchio sort of questions Harold and Lisa's rare tuna choice as a street food. Yeah, you gotta be careful of compromised immune systems. We specifically see Lisa bagging some jicama salad. Colicchio's happy with Dave-Tiffani and Stephen-Lee Anne. At one point Bravo captions Lisa asking Harold, "You got the jicama?" Lisa tells us that as time ran out, she and Harold felt cocky because they were all done and everything went off without a hitch. Hello, hubris, my old friend.

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