Top Chef

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Cold Comfort

For the dimmer chefs who didn't figure it out for themselves, Padma explains that they will be cooking with the exotic proteins. They have one hour to cook. Everyone draws knives and dives in. The proceedings grind to a halt when Angelo grabs a bowl of so-called duck white kidneys. Padma asks him if he knows what they are, he stops and stares at the bowl as if expecting pasta Bolognese and getting Spaghetti-Os with hot dogs in it. Michelle Bernstein explains that they are actually duck testicles. And, whoa, ducks are HUNG. Who knew? I mean, really, have you ever seen a duck nut sac? Next time you're giving one of our fine-feathered friends a tummy rub, be sure to sneak a peek, okay? I wouldn't say no to a TwitPic. Oh wait, yes I would. That would be Mallard Porn, which I'm pretty sure can't be sent across state lines. Angelo blinks at the bowl a few times while everyone laughs at his expense. But he'll show them! He'll is going to tea bag the lady judges and THEY WILL LOVE IT. Duck nuts FTW! Obviously Ed knows all about duck testicles. Because he sees them every day in the bathroom. Aw snap!

Amanda has last choice because she was a drug addict and drugs don't pay, so she gets stuck with the emu eggs, which, by the way, look like elephant balls. Angelo explains that he just poked one of the duck balls and they were so soft and silky that he was inspired to make Duck Nut Marshmallows. This is very awkward for me. No, really, but mostly because I have embarrassingly low brow sense of humor and duck nut marshmallows are making me giggle uncontrollably. Also, Angelo talking about how soft the poor duck's balls are is just too much. I mean, poor duck! Getting offed and then having his disembodied family jewels fondled by Angelo and getting made into a marshmallow! It's just all a little tragic. Also, funny. God, I wish I was above this sort of thing. Anyway other people are cooking too! It's just not nearly as interesting to see Amanda whine about her emu eggs, Kevin pepper his ostrich, or Alex prep his foie gras as it is to see Angelo feel up a duck.

GAME CHANGE! Padma walks into the room and orders the chefs to drop what they are doing and move one station to the left. Protein-based musical chairs! Play it at your next child's party! Everyone groans, except for Amanda who chortles with glee because eggs were much too much for her. She is happy to give the oversized ova over to Kelly. Everyone makes pouty faces, but not nearly so much as Angelo, whose dream of teabagging the ladies goes up in smoke. There is a lot of bleeping. So who gets to cook the balls? Kevin. He won't taste them, because eating a duck's nuts would be pretty squarely in the gay camp. Okay, I'm just making that up. Kevin isn't a homophobe or a duck fetishist.

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Top Chef

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