Top Chef

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Kim: A | Grade It Now!
Fallon Down
, "THASS RAY-CESS." And that is yet another reason why Mike is THE WORST. Tiffany doesn't think her dish was the worst, but she doesn't offer any opinions on whose was, and why people didn't vote for her.

The top three are Antonia, Dale, and Angelo. Really? Angelo? Even he's surprised. Blais has another excuse for why he didn't get put on top: because he has a different style from the others, and they are scared. Which also boils down to "They're just jealous." The winner is... Dale! He's appropriately humble, at least publicly. I didn't taste the food, but I'm a little surprised Antonia didn't win.

Padma tells them to go to Rockefeller Center, but doesn't give any further details about what they might be doing there, or how it ties into the challenge. On the way there, the cheftestants speculate on whether they might be ice skating (in summer?) [Editor's Note: It sounds mental, but TWoP headquarters is at 30 Rock, and our offices used to overlook the skating rink, and we have seen people ice skate in 80 degree weather before. Tourists are crazy animals, you guys. -- Mindy] or doing something in the Rainbow Room. But once they arrive, they are escorted into Studio 6B, where Jimmy Fallon is shooting his late night talk show. There's a studio audience and everything, and I wonder how they swore them all to silence, because you'd think at least one person would have tweeted or blogged about who they saw, letting us know who was eliminated in the first half of the season. Then again, I avoid spoilers, so they probably did and I just didn't see it. [Editor's Note: The audience was NBC Uni staffers who were sworn to secrecy. Last one, I promise. -- Mindy]

The cheftestants walk out and see Jimmy Fallon and The Roots. Poor Antonia is wearing that one-shouldered purple shit that she ALWAYS wears. It's like her favorite shirt. And the pattern on it kind of looks like a food stain, so I always think it's dirty. Jimmy introduces the challenge. The cheftestants will be making one of Jimmy's favorite dishes for his birthday dinner. And to figure out which dish they will make, the cheftestants play a game of Cellphone Shootout. It's all just a glorified knife draw, but takes longer and uses cell phone cameras. And they couldn't possibly have aired this on Fallon's show when it was shot, so I'm not sure what the point was. Anyway. The highlights are that Antonia gets beef tongue. That's one of Jimmy Fallon's favorite dishes? Antonia is perplexed by that dish. Fabio gets hamburger and fries, and he's never made a "hambooger, boooerger" before. He can't even say it! Angelo gets pulled pork, Blais gets ramen, Dale gets Philly cheesesteak, Tiffany gets chicken and dumplings, Mike gets sausage and peppers, and Carla gets chicken pot pie and she could NOT be more excited about that. After hearing some of Jimmy's food likes and dislikes, the cheftestants head off to go shopping.

Shopping! Carla reminds us that she already has two wins, and she thinks one more will turn her into a force to be reckoned with. Good luck with that, Carla. I don't think most of your fellow chefs will ever take you seriously, because you have boobs and a vagina. I'm just saying. They are sexist. That was the subtext to what I was saying. About the other dudes. They don't think women can be good chefs. I'm not sure if that was clear. Anyway, Dale is worried because he's not from the East Coast and feels like he's not an expert in the world of Philly cheesesteaks. If that's the case, he should do a twist on it or something, because I feel like that's one of those dishes that's either authentic, or it's not, and there's no middle ground. It's not like a burger, where everyone has their own variation. Anyway, Dale has decided to use pretzel rolls, which could be interesting.

Fabio has decided to treat his hamburger like a flattened meatball, which is a TERRIBLE idea. Other than being made of ground meat, they are very different and eaten in very different ways. So he's using ground brisket and ground short ribs. Just stick to beef, dude! This is a bad idea.

Then there's a commercial for frozen pasta, but as usual, they didn't pay me personally for the product placement, so I'm skipping it. When will they learn that they could be mentioned in my recaps! Both of you who read them would definitely buy those products!

The next morning, we learn that Angelo wears tight pants. Dale points out that Angelo kind of dresses like a chick and is stunning. I think Angelo dresses like an asshole, but what do I know?

They arrive at the kitchen at Colicchio and Sons, where the party will be held. Fabio thinks he might be in trouble. Angelo has decided to return to his strengths: flavors. He's making a customized spice rub for his pulled pork, which actually sounds pretty awesome. Antonia is really worried about her beef tongue, because everyone has told her that it usually takes four or five hours to cook, and she only has two. And you guys, beef tongue looks really gross. I mean, it's just a giant black cow tongue, and that's what it looks like. The butcher certainly didn't dress it up at all. Anyway, Antonia is relying on Blais's advice to pressure cook her dish, since she's not super familiar with that technique. This could also go horribly wrong. I don't think Blais would fuck her over on purpose, but it's always dicey when someone is using a technique they don't know on ingredients they haven't used before.

Anyway, Mike has to hate as always, and he doesn't think it's cool that Blais is helping out Antonia, since she's the competition. Plus, she's a chick, and I just spent like ten sentences earlier telling you how Mike doesn't think chicks are worthy. Unlike his fat ass. Yeah, I said it. So Mike is totally against the cheftestants helping each other. And the next shot is Mike asking Angelo for help with his flavors. I mean, he just had Angelo taste it and give his opinion, but it was a delicious bit of editing. Also, Mike has clearly confused fiction with reality, as he thinks that Jimmy Fallon is from Boston. You know, because he was in that movie with Drew Barrymore about the Red Sox. When in fact, Jimmy is from New York. So Mike is doing his sausage and peppers "Fenway style" for no real reason. That's kind of hilarious.

Dale admits that he's had Steak-umms, but not a real Philly cheesesteak. He's also worried about his food being bland, since that was his problem last week, and it landed him in the bottom three. Tiffany is tired of riding a rollercoaster of highs and lows, and she's trying to get back on track. And she's going to do that by making her chicken and dumplings in a Southwestern style. Which seems like an awful idea. I mean, it could work if she made like chicken with enchilada sauce and cornbread dumplings or something. I guess.

Carla is really worried that she made such a big deal out of chicken pot pie, and admits that she's never tried to make it in two hours before. She's making bowls or lids or something out of pastry crust, which seems time-consuming. Dale thinks Carla is going to run out of time.

The guests and judges arrive at Jimmy's party. We have Jimmy's parents, James and Gloria Fallon, along with his sister, Gloria. Wait a minute. His parents are named James and Gloria and the kids are Jimmy and Gloria? Does that seem weird to anyone else? Also in attendance are Jimmy's in-laws, Karen and Bill Juvonen. Jimmy's head writer A.D. Miles is there, along with his announcer, Steve Higgins. Jimmy and his wife, the producer Nancy Juvonen, are obviously there. She's partners with Drew Barrymore in their production company, if I recall correctly. And then the judges: Gail, Padma, and Tom. Jimmy will serve as the fourth judge, and he is obviously a big fan of the show. That's a nice quality for a guest judge to have: familiarity with the show. Also, Jimmy is pretty good friends with Mario Batali, so I'm sure he's been exposed to lots of different food. I don't know why I know so much about Jimmy Fallon.

Fabio has decided to make his mistake even bigger by serving the cheese for the bur

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Top Chef




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